SKYDOVE

its been a long time since i've contributed to my heavily neglected blogspot. apologies, all around. so, now that's out of the way.

a few months ago i leapt from at plane. i plummeted to the earth at well over 120 m.p.h. from almost 3 miles straight up. the feeling was nothing short of exhilerating. i don't have the capacity to properly describe it in words. believe that i've tried. instead, i re-edited the video they gave me upon leaving to suit my take on the experience.

the song is "Olsen Olsen" by the band Sigur Ros.
very, very special thanks to M.P.G.

SYNC FLOYD

the band Pink Floyd has been tied to a lot of movies ever since VCR's and video cassettes became mainstream commodities. they've scored several movies in the past (The Wall, More), but their music has been recently linked to several films with which they have no official affiliation.

many people have likely heard about the connection between their "Dark Side Of The Moon" album with The Wizard of Oz. its definitely the most talked about. if you start the album at the third roar of the MGM lion at the beginning of the movie, the audio and visual seem to be connected.
have a look:

the wailing singer through the tornado scene and the lyrical coincidences relating to the Glinda and Scarecrow scenes seem almost too coincidental to be an accident. it is an accident, though. one i suspect was first discovered by a group of multi-tasking teenagers with a fair amount of weed.

lesser known is the synchronization of Pink Floyd's 23+ minute song "Echoes" (the final track from Meddle) with the final chapter of Stanley Kubrick's film, 2001: A Space Odyssey. i think this one is way cooler. one of my favorite songs with one of my favorite movies. not only is it more abstract and almost perfectly timed, but it could have potentially been done on purpose. Kubrick asked the band if he could use songs from Atom Heart Mother for the soundtrack. they denied the request. Roger Waters later stated it as one of his biggest regrets. Could they have written the song after the movie came out as an homage to what could have been?
you decide:

while searching for these full length videos, i came across one i never attempted before. i have tried Alice In Wonderland paired with the soundtrack to The Doors movie (which is actually really cool and quite obviously, totally coincidental), but never with Pink Floyd's The Wall. it seems to work out pretty well.
enjoy:

i could write out a list of interesting coincidences between the music and the correlating flicks, but i think its more intriguing to watch it yourself and see what you notice. intentional or not, its fun to experience something so familiar in a whole new way. again, i think a big "thank you" should go out to drugs for making these discoveries possible.

BUTTERHEAD

last sunday, in Vancouver, WA., 11 year old Tyler Hemmert was slacking off in a park with his friend, Nate. another kid came along and they got into an argument. the disgruntled boy, in a temporary fit of rage, released the might of his weapon, a stainless steel butter knife (butter knives are the new nunchucks). Nate ducked to avoid the blunt object as it hurled through the air. Tyler, unfortunately, won't be winning any awards for his quick reaction time.

the business end pierced the skin of Tyler's head and four inches of it entered and lodged between the scalp and the skull. a pain he would later compare to that of a bee sting. he stood there somewhat dumbfounded by the fact that he could see a floating butter knife handle in his peripheral vision. he said, “I just tried to tell myself to stay calm and stuff.” Nate, the lassie of Vancouver, rushed off and retrieved Tyler's dad. Mr. Hemmert left the knife in place (a decision based on the fact that he's "seen a couple of these [medical] shows") so Tyler was carted off in an ambulance with the butter knife still in his head. Thankfully he did, or we wouldn't have this great x-ray.

"Pretty much everybody's talking about it and stuff. They're like, 'Oh, my God, it actually happened to you. I can't believe it." Tyler's friends have even begun calling him "butterhead".

the wound required 5 stitches and Butterhead is expected to make a full recovery.

authorities have not yet decided whether or not to file charges against the butter knife ninja. Butterhead hasn't seen his assailant but he heard that he wanted "to come over my house to apologize and stuff".

(this story is completely true. you can't make up a story like this one about Butterhead unless you make your living as a screen writer for american pie movies. i gathered this information from the ABC evening news last night, a transcript of an interview with Butterhead on the Today Show and the MSNBC website.)

LEAP DAY

today is truly a momentous event.
its leap day and it comes along but once every 4 years.

it is sort of like when we turn our clocks back an hour in the fall. an extra hour to do with what you will. its a time perk. leap day is like daylight savings time, super sized. its like a free day. its like a tax return. its like a surplus. unaccounted for and therefore, i think we should be able to use that time however you choose, and being as its sort of time that's "off the record", without repercussions.

i think it would make for a nice holiday. it only happens quad-annually, thus making it 400% more special than any other holiday.

it could be marked as a day with out consequence. completely uninhibited. as long as there's no physical evidence around after Feb. 29th, its a free for all. just think of the possibilities. you could curse out a small child, or skip work to lay on the beach sipping mojitos, or pee your pants, or sleep until dinner time, or kiss a stranger, or bathe in chocolate pudding, or eat a bucket of crisco.

then, come march 1, it's all wiped clean.

this could obviously never happen. half the population would probably be wiped out on the first celebrated Leap Day... but how fun would it be?

A BLACK TIE AFFAIR

last friday, my job required me to go to a black tie awards banquet. my boss had submitted a stained glass window that i designed and fabricated and it was chosen as a nominee. he was away on a business trip so it was up to me to attend in his place. long story short, i won an award in the "residential interior specialty" category.

here's the "long story short" part:
honestly, i wasn't really that eager to go to this thing. it was cool to be nominated but i've got some introverted tendencies. i don't mingle well. i didn't expect to know anyone there short of one of my co-workers, and thus, had a cloud of awkward uncomfortability looming over my noggin.

it was a pretty swanky event (a black tie required, uber-formal sort of thing). i got there at 6:30, right when i was suppose to. the following is the first 20 minutes after i arrived.

as i pulled in, i saw a line for valet parking. mandatory valet parking, mind you. a dude ran up to my window and handed me a ticket, told me to leave it running and to "just put it in park". i did as he said and headed inside. i walked into the lobby and announced my arrival. then, i heard someone asking for the owner of the green pontiac. it was then that i was informed that i'd locked my keys inside. my car was fortified, running and blocking traffic. without a spare key, i headed to the coat room for a coat hanger and coaxed the door man to procure me a flat head screw driver and proceeded to break into my own car in a tuxedo surrounded by a hundred middle aged, well dressed strangers at an uppity country club in the suburbs. fortunately for me, i'm very good at breaking into my car. i can hit the power lock in 90 seconds or less. unfortunately for me, everyone else who witnessed my skills or knew about the situation suddenly became suspicious of my talents at grand theft auto. people 30 years older than me whom i'd never met were cracking wise about my speedy problem resolution.

i immediately made a bee line for the open bar and then, to a snack table in the center of the room. an older woman came from behind the person i was talking to and reached into a basket of crackers. our eyes met for a second and as i smiled politely, the spaghetti strap of her dress fell off her right shoulder, exposing a pair of 50 year old breasts. this was the exchange: i look up, our eyes meet, dress falls off, i glance down, she glances down, we both turn away. i slowly exit, stage left. classy.

then, later, during the dinner portion of the evening, i went up to the bar again for a rum and coke. as i was waiting in line, a couple contractors i didn't know asked how i got so good at breaking into cars. they said it in a manner as to jokingly insinuate that i'd been a car thief. with a wink and a nudge. i assumed we were having a tongue in cheek conversation so i ran with it. i told a quick story about how i grew up in a poor part of south chicago and one summer, when my step dad was unjustly arrested for tax evasion in relation to his pager business, my four brothers and i boosted cars from the police impound to make his bail and settle his debt. i told this story with what i thought was a totally obvious sarcastic tone. i even mentioned a few of my fictitious brothers by name in the story.

"my oldest brother, jermaine, went to high school with a guy who runs a chop shop."
"marlon and jackie would keep lookout."
"tito could crack the steering column and cross the wires in seconds."
"my brother michael thought he was sooo bad."
"it was easy as abc."

by the end of the little made up anecdote, when i expected a chuckle, i was met with a straight face of astonishment. i falsely assumed that all the Jackson 5 references would've made it obvious but, since it was my turn to order, i just left it at that.

sarcarm is a curious thing. it either makes you a hilarious character with a creative wit, or a lying jerk, and it all comes down to gullability.

A HALLOWEEN GAMEPLAN

halloween was one of my favorite holidays. not for the costumes and charlie brown specials. not for the late night scream flicks or pumpkin carving. it was all about the sugar. the treats. candy could possibly be my first love.

as i developed into a seasoned trick or treater, it became apparent to me that my rounds lacked efficiency. i realized that its not a matter of how many houses you hit, but which houses. fortunately, i lived in town, so i was under no parental time constraints. my limits were only the supply of candy being offered. when i was 11 or 12 years old, i decided i needed to formulate a plan of attack. the results were so fruitful, i thought i'd share my knowledge with the sugar junkies of tomorrow.

first of all, its imperative that you wear a mask. it makes a clever, double costume a possibility. i had a cape that was red on one side and black on the other. if a house was exceptionally generous, i'd hit it twice. first, as a wolfman in a black cape, then as a superhero in a red cape and eye mask. just covertly mesh into another group of kids on the second approach to avoid detection.

its also important to start as early as you can get away with. when i grew up, there was a halloween parade. all the kids would get dressed up and march through town so all the adults could gape at them, "ohh"-ing and "aww"-ing. trick or treating officially opened following the parade. i bypassed the parade and used the time to venture to the far west side of town. there was a substantial section of wealthier, younger families. lawyers, politicians, and doctors mostly. three houses in particular were famous for there goodies. if you got there while supplies held out (which wasn't long as lots of kids knew these to be hot spots), you were assured 3 full size candy bars. usually, an Oh Henry, a Whatchamacallit and a Hershey Bar.

a map can be incredibly helpful. it will keep you on pace. residential areas tend to have congregations of similar people. sketch out a drawing of your locality. just the main streets will suffice. its not to keep you from getting lost. more of an itinerary. think of the neighborhoods. once you've generalized your vicinity, you'll quickly see the high priority locations, and the areas not worth your time. i made a rough version of what mine may have looked like:



areas you want to hit for the goods:

• any grouping of large, expensive houses. usually on the edge of town, so make this one of your first stops, then work your way inward. they don't stock up since they're out of the way, but their treats are usually high quality.
  
• near hospitals. lots of doctors and nurses live nearby hospitals. doctors have lots of money to spend on candy and in small towns, they're well known in their community. their guilt will buy more candy then they need. this means that they usually dump it all in a bowl and let you take what you want. great for a double hit. first, cherry pick the best candy. then go back for a potluck handful.
• older parents with kids too old for trick or treating are eager for visitors. they miss the old days of halloween excitement and reminisce over their once adorable children. exploit that nostalgia. there was a lady who started making home-made caramel popcorn balls after her kids moved out. i don't recommend taking things like that from strangers though, unless you have a taste for razor blades and strychnine.
  
• smaller neighborhoods are perfect to connect two sections. the smaller the better. they get less traffic so they tend to keep their lights on the longest. they're also eager for the attention and with a little chit chat, you may be able to finagle a bonus Bit-O-Honey for your cuteness and conversational skills.
  
• know your old folks homes! i can't stress this enough. the elderly are probably the most ecstatic to see you and they're all congregated in one building. my town had 2 that were both conveniently located near my house. The Green Home had a table set up in the lobby covered in candy dishes. the residents sit around as you come in and stock up on your pick of the litter. park hill manor gathers its occupants in a circle in the game room. you had to make a lap, but nearly each wrinkled hand offered a fistful of candy. you may get a few cheek pinches or a box of raisins here or there, but its well worth the sacrifice.

stay away from businesses and schools. some stores may have a small dish of penny candy, but they tend to be few and far between. also, schools and their surrounding areas tend to attract younger families. they would happily dispense candy if they were home, but they're not. steer clear.

use the buddy system. having a friend with a double costume is a great benefit for both time management and making your double hits less suspect. if you and a friend each take one side a side of a street, you can point out the best houses at the corner or team up for a second attempt.

finally, plan your route. do not start from home and work your way out. you'll find yourself crossing the same ground twice, wasting precious time. if possible, start at one end and move your way across. try to hit your neighborhood somewhere in the middle. this not only allows you the chance to get your neighbors' candy (let them know its you. they might give you extra), but to empty your bounty. i kept a pillowcase in my tree house as a drop point. carrying an empty pumpkin pail late in the evening can often win you some sympathy sweets. plus, having a hidden treasure can help alleviate the stresses caused by parents who insist on a candy rationing system.

keep in mind, the best treats require a few tricks.

CHOOSING A LAUNDRY DETERGENT

face it.

when it comes to comparing laundry detergents, no particular brand is really any better than the other. they're all just soap. some have fancy pants scents and flashy colors, but the contents all produce the same results.

so how is one to choose?

i suggest approaching it like so. as you peruse the cleaning supplies aisle at the supermarket, judge your current emotional state. based on that, choose accordingly. chances are good that you'll find a perfect match for your state of mind. for your particular lifestyle. for your message to the laundering world. let your detergent be a reflection of you, like a mood ring. here's some suggestions.

GAIN
the motivational soap.
let the world know that you're on your way to the top. nothing will stand in the way of your achievement. tell them with a lilac scent if you must. the box even offers some great tips on writing a resume. its especially good at cleaning ring around the collar and sweaty socks for all of you out there on the move.

TIDE
the transitional soap.
its like Gain but without the positive spin. maybe its for the good, maybe its for the bad. Tide says you just don't know. its change beyond your control. if you've recently broken up with your significant other, if you've noticed a new mole on your arm, or if you've decided you want to try authentic asian cuisine, look no further. its particularly formulated for washing new clothes, hand me downs, and thrift store acquisitions. sometimes, for no reason at all, it will shrink all your clothes two sizes or disintegrate one sock out of every pair. roll with it. that just means its working!

CHEER
the happiness soap.
the beauty of cheer is that it spans the whole spectrum. beaming with joy? snag some regular Cheer with a springtime fragrance and skip as you relocate your threads from the washer to the dryer. wallowing in an abysmal depression? Cheer Free is for you. no cheer here. in fact, the bottle is mostly empty since you'll be too bummed out to wash up. the former makes your yellows yellower, the latter makes all your clothes blue.

ALL
the insatiable soap.
over indulgent? living a life of excess? is nothing ever quite good enough? you need All. its incredibly concentrated so you can wash every single piece of fabric in your possession at one time. and if its power you crave, you need All Mighty - with robe whitening power!

ARM & HAMMER
the tough guy soap.
it flaunts a ripple bicep, a rolled up t-shirt sleeve and a sledge hammer right on the label. it exudes machismo and brute strength. the jug itself is lined with steel if you happen to get into a gang fight in the laundromat. the detergent is also specially formulated for the efficient removal of blood stains.

FAB
the too cool for school soap.
Fab is perfect for all the retro hipster living in the past. it even contains 10 of the 12 ingredients found in the soft drink, Tab. bring some carbonated water and sugar along and you can entertain in between the spin cycles. it also rapidly speeds up the fraying and fading process on all your tight, ripped jeans and ironic t-shirts.

SNUGGLE
the love soap.
you're just a soft teddy bear on the inside. no sense in hiding it. maybe that cute gal spending too much time folding her underwear will take notice. show your true colors to the world... and keep your true colors as well. works great on sheets!

THE THUMMERS GAME

robert, an old co-worker and myspace friend of mine, wrote this and posted it as a bulletin last week. though i can't take credit for devising it, you can bet its a game i'll be participating in. here's what robert wrote:

"Here's a fun little game I came up with a few weeks back...

If and when you are driving, and you see a Hummer or Hum-V coming in the opposite direction, stick your hand out the window and give them the thumbs down.
It's probably one of the most satisfying things in the world. I mean, I can't physically stop inconsiderate people from buying these things and subsequently driving themselves around the country wasting fuel and creating more pollutants, but God dammit I'm going to let them know how I feel about it.

It's peaceful and direct...and hopefully effective in embarrassing these people enough not to drive that vehicle.

The more the merrier; get your friends involved. Go Hummer-Hunting!
Nothing says "You Suck!" like a car full of people waving their thumbs down at your over-consumptive lifestyle and waste. These Hummer drivers don't have to worry about anyone else in the car being shocked or awed by the "Thummers" though because they never seem to have any other passengers."

hummers are completely legal. anyone with enough expendable income can go out and pick one up. its a perk in our society. that being said, it doesn't mean you should. unless you're hauling several tons of cinder blocks across mountainous terrain on a regular basic or you're currently serving a tour in a war somewhere, you're greatly over estimating your needs in a form of transportation. a minuscule fraction of a fraction of a fraction of our population even comes close to requiring such a monstrosity of a vehicle.

another one of our perks is free speech.
feel free to use it.

THE ROARING TWENTIES

as with most any job, there are times when work becomes dull and repetitious. it happens to the best of us. sometimes you're just not in the mood. sometimes your mind is elsewhere. many days, i'm alone in the studio working on designs, singing along loudly as my ipod blares whatever. its a pretty relaxed environment, but without much interaction with other people, i resort to creating my own entertainment. little games. personal challenges.

people don't come into the gallery too often. on an average day, we'll get maybe 3 or 4 unexpected visits. stained glass isn't much of an impulse buy item. i can usually be found in the back diligently chipping away on the progress of a project until i hear the bells jingle. in the event that the bells on the front door clang, its my duty to greet whom ever and give them the spiel. usually i open with a friendly, "hello, can i help you or answer any questions for ya?". no matter what, eventually, i dole out my speech.

i go on about how long we've been in this location, what kind of services and products we offer, how we do all custom work, how we are great and nice and yada, yada, yada. its become a mantra. i could write it down in the dark.

some days, to keep it interesting, i'll create a theme to my dealings with customers. one of my favorites is "the roaring twenties" (keep in mind, this is what i do when i'm by myself). since many of the people who come in are of the senior persuasion, i thought i could strike up more interest in them if i spoke their language. at least something close. i googled for depression era slang and printed out a list.

the first time was an experiment. i memorized two words and tried to squeeze them into our exchange anywhere i could. i just wanted to see if anyone would call me out on it, even question me on what i was talking about, but they didn't. no one did. i'd salt and pepper my dialogue and they'd just roll with it. out of necessity, the game evolved in order to survive. i started to see how much slang i could get in. this is harder than one might think. most of the words and phrases revolved around alternative words for men and women so my reservoir wasn't as full as i had originally thought. i really tried to hear the question, "what do you mean?", but it never came. once i came close. a couple asked me if our work was expensive. i responded, "Our pieces aren't orchids, but you'll need a little heavy sugar." the woman looked puzzled and started to speak but her husband cut her off with another question. this past week, i've started to integrate trucker jargon. its easy to ask for someone's "handle" and "20" as they fill out a sheet with their contact information. finding ways to work the words in is tough, but keeping a straight face takes all i've got. if you can't sell it as normal, the proverbial jig is up.

go out, attempt it and see. try saying "Now you're on the trolley!" or "It's the berries!" to a total stranger with complete seriousness. without an explanation. without even smiling.