VANITY CARDS

i was sitting in my living room last week eating dinner and flipping through the channels. i stopped on an episode of a show called Two & A Half Men. it stars Charlie Sheen and another guy who was in a bunch of 80's movies. for the life of me, i couldn't think of his name. he was ducky in Pretty In Pink. he was in Hot Shots, too (probably when he made the Charlie Sheen connection). anyway, it was driving me crazy. whenever i know that i know something and i just can't conjure the answer, i become obsessed. its incredibly frustrating. so i sat there for the last fifteen minutes staring at this guy trying to remember his name.

the credits rolled and his name wasn't listed. the stars of the show must have got their dues at the beginning, but it stuck me then. JON CRYER. then i remembered he was in that movie Hiding Out, where he played a business man testifying against a mobster, then pretending to be a high school student to lay low. as i sat there in a moment of pride, there flashed a still screen filled with words. it was only up for a second or two. strange, thought i.

then, tonight, i happened to come across Two & A Half Men again. the show was actually okay, not laugh out loud funny, but amusing enough. then the credits came flashing by. i waited with remote in hand and when the last still image full of words popped up, i hit freeze frame. this is what it said:

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #112

When I was in the shower this morning, I thought: If we assume a Big Bang beginning of the universe, then every molecule, every atom, every proton, every electron, every quark, every wavelength, every vibration, every multi-dimensional string, every everything that makes up everything else shares an ineffable property of pre-Bang Oneness. Assuming that, then every everything is always moving in one of two directions: either away from that primordial state, or returning towards it. We feel these quantum movements. Moving away is experienced as loneliness, fear, anger and despair. Returning is experienced as one or more of the infinite variations and gradations of what we call love. Now, while some might say that equating the miracle of human feelings to the meandering of sub-atomic bric-a-brac robs them of their mystery, the truth is quite the opposite. Connecting our fundamental experience of life to the great mystery of existence ties us to the eternal within our every waking moment. We are not separate. We are made of the same stuff that existed at the beginning and will exist at the end. Therefore, the question we must each ask ourselves is simple: "In what direction am I moving today - towards oneness, or away from it?" When I was done reflecting on this, I stepped out of the shower, toweled off, and, while glancing at the mirror, pondered a new thought: "I have a pretty nice ass for a guy my age."

honestly, this was better than the show was. the fact that is was #112 made me think there were a lot more of these so i did a little internet research. i discovered that Chuck Lorre runs a production company and creator and/or writer and/or directer of about a half dozen shows over the past 15 or so years. he ends every episode of one of his shows with a "Chuck Lorre Vanity Card". its kind of like a blog post on national television.

here are a few more...

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #108

When Dharma was cancelled my heart was broken. Over the next few years my efforts to mend it by creating a new show led to an even deeper emotional nadir when I noticed that I had somehow become the author of a seemingly endless succession of failed pilots and pilot scripts. This was not a big enough string of stinkers to lower AOL-Time Warner's stock price (that had already been done by people more incompetent than myself), but my ill-advised attempts at heart-mending were sufficient enough to cause people in suits to not look up from their cobb salads when I ambled into the WB commissary (in Hollywood even has-beens amble). But I was indomitable. I kept writing... and failing... and ambling. And then, about a year ago, my good friend and favorite cross-to-bear, Lee Aronsohn, told me he needed to write something fairly quickly in order to keep his Writer's Guild health insurance. Everyone -- friends, agents, execs -- told me not to get involved. They assured me that I was too big, too successful, for such a partnership. You see where this is going. Lee and I wrote "Two and a Half Men." Which brings me to the glaringly obvious spiritual lesson in all this. How do you mend a broken heart? The Bee Gee's never figured it out, but I did. You help a friend keep their health insurance from lapsing.

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #117

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for watching the show. I know that for many of you, particularly those who go to the trouble of reading my vanity cards, a real and continuous effort is being made to support what we're doing. So this is my little attempt at reaching out and saying how truly grateful I am. It's hard to grasp the idea that roughly sixteen million people watch each episode. But, according to the statistics, that is the astonishingly large audience we're getting every week. The fact that much larger audiences turn out to watch derivative, soulless singers being humiliated by a panel of unqualified dildos, or a bunch of pathetic shmucks jumping around like spider monkeys on crank to get a make-believe job with a goofy-haired guy on the brink of bankruptcy, does not lessen my profound gratitude. The fact that a few TV critics, who would probably eat a hole through their loved ones and crawl through if it meant they could get my job, insist on ignoring or denigrating our success, does not diminish my joy. I am a man who knows how to cherish the blessings that have been bestowed on him. And I just wanted to say so.

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #50

I was recently asked by a journalist why I write these vanity cards. It seemed like a simple enough question, but the truth is, I was stumped. Why do I write them? Not for money certainly, although I continue to hold out hope. Is it a creative exercise from which I derive great pleasure? Not really. I've always felt that the act of writing isn't nearly as enjoyable as the feeling that comes from "having written." So why do I do it? Well, after careful consideration I've come to believe that had I been even a moderately successful communicator in my formative years, I would feel little compulsion to communicate now. This leads me to wonder, would it have been appropriate to have told the journalist that I write these vanity cards because I was incapable of expressing myself as a youngster, a situation which caused me unbearable anguish and is only now beginning to dissipate? Maybe. But I didn't. I told him I write them because it's fun. And this leads me to a question: if he's writing about my writing, what kind of miserable childhood did he have?

some are funny, some are insightful, some are personal. there are many more (213 and counting) on this archive.
check it out.

100

welcome to the 100th post at
THE COMBUSTIBLE ENGINEER!

i wasn't entirely sure how this milestone should've been celebrated. for a minute, i thought i'd just add the little heading at the top, then write another one of my typical posts. more business as usual. brush it aside like its no big deal, and really... its not.

upon further deliberation, i realized that it needs more attention than that. something out of the ordinary to mark the occasion. but what? i googled for other blogs who celebrated their 100th posting and found that most people chose not to celebrate their blog, but themselves. typically with 100 personal facts. that seemed too self absorbed for my blood. i saw someone else who wrote a sentence synopsis of each of the previous 100 entries to honor them. that seemed like a redundant waste of time.

instead, i'm choosing to honor the fallen soldiers.

in blogging, as you write a post, it autosaves the draft every minute or so. it remains a mere draft until you elect to "publish" it, making it public and visible for all the world to see. there have been many times when i had an idea i wanted to write about but was pressed for time and only got a few sentences down. there have been times when i thought i had a clever approach but ended up hitting a dead end. there have been times when i began writing but by the time i came back to finish it, it wasn't that interesting to me any more. 28 times actually. whatever the reason, these drafts have been sitting in the ether collecting virtual dust.

so, in their honor, i present to you a tribute to the ghosts of blogs that never were:

"M.I.L.F."
(reason: i wanted to find the specific instances on tv to quote them in the post but never did. also, the post was written poorly, more as an outline of ideas.)
i had noticed that the term "m.i.l.f." had been popping up on late night television. then started hearing it in prime time and even once in the evening news. i speculated on how an acronym for "doing someone's mom" became acceptable in light hearted conversation.

"THE MIRROR GAME"
(reason: never finished and then forgotten. it may potentially get a full treatment some day, as its a fairly funny story)
i heard that mirroring someones behavior is a subconscious way of building an unspoken connection between two people. its commonly seen in flirting. i described a day at work in which i reflected the personalities & mannerisms of people who came into our shop to try and boost sales. mostly, it was about a disheveled fellow who swore like a trucker and his compliments about my laugh, which sounded remarkably similar to his own.

"THE WRITERS' STRIKE"
(reason: i realized the subject was a bit on the boring side. lots of information. i'd also been writing about TV a lot around the same time and thought i may be over doing it)
this was a point/counterpoint post about the writers' strike while it was still in the "talks" phase. i declared my support for their cause but feared a flood of new reality programming on TV.

"THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER"
(reason: i liked this one but wanted to revise it. the draft was overly lengthy)
this was a run down of the large hadron collider experiments by CERN, held deep underground beneath Switzerland and France. while a lot of people fear that the experiment could go horribly wrong, creating a big bang that implodes into a black hole, killing us all, i couldn't be more for it. i started listing scenarios in which we either create a race of physics defying super creatures, open wormholes between dimensions in space-time or at the very least, a boom era for science fiction writers and film makers.

"iDEAS FOR APPLE"
(reason: never completed. i had a list of idea but never went back to elaborate.)
after the release of the iPhone and a camping trip in which i declared my marshmallow toasting stick as my iStick, i was compelled to put forth some product ideas for apple in hopes of getting in on some of that sweet new gadget moolah. technologically upgraded things like fiber optic shoelaces, wi-fi braces for teens or flat screen television screens built into the tops of urinals, to name a few.

"FAME"
(reason: again, at the time, i was posting a lot on topics of my disdain for celebrities and thought i was beating a dead horse.)
i discuss the nature of fame. the financial perks. the get out of jail free cards. the opportunity to date sexy celebrities (and have people care about it). i then come to realize that fame generally sucks, and the best kind of fame is the kind that doesn't come until after you're dead. post mortem celebrity status.

"THE MUPPET SHOW"
(reason: while i'll stand by my position on the muppets 100%, this one made me sound like king of the super nerds)
the second season of The Muppet Show came out on DVD and i bought it the first day it hit the market. basically, i just listed a bunch of specifics on why the muppets, while helmed by Jim Henson and Frank Oz in the 70's and 80's, were nothing short of brilliant.

"LIGHTNING ROD"
(reason: never finished but i think one day it will be.)
i've always secretly kind of wanted to get struck by lightning. you hear about people being struck every so often but you never hear about them dying. it doesn't even cripple them. i'm sure it would hurt crazy bad, but how many people do you know who can say they're been struck by lightning.

"SIFL & OLLY"
(reason: not many people know about the show and its never on television any more, nor are any of the episodes available to buy, so i thought raving about something people can't access would be cruel.)
i procured bootleg DVDs of both seasons of The Sifl & Olly Show and the never aired third season through ebay. it was a program with a cast of sock puppets that aired on MTV in the early 90's. i went on about how funny sock puppets can be, how comedy does not require a big budget, what the creators had done since the show was cancelled and a brief psychoanalysis about why i seem to constantly be lured by the charms of clever ventriloquists.

"CURSE THE SUN"
(reason: never finished and started going off on to tangents.)
i talk about growing up in a house without the best insulation. how we felt the seasons inside. how it got very cold in the winter and really hot in the summer. i connect this to why i like the autumn months the best and why i feel i would much rather it be too cold then too hot. there's always room for another blanket or a thicker sweater, but you can only take off so much clothes before your spending time in prison. i then graphically explain why going to prison naked is a really, really, really bad idea.

THANKS FOR YOUR PATRONAGE!

PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED SOYBEAN OIL

dear partially hydrogenated soybean oil makers-

i'm aware that your partially hydrogenated oils are in thousands of mass produced foods. you've basically had the market cornered for decades. i understand that its cheap and prevalent. now, it seems, the partially hydrogenated soybean oil dynasty is crumbling. your industry is going down faster than the brass on the titanic.

the health conscious have unanimously revolted against your oil. they have a whole list of reasons. they say it makes you fat. that is decreases your lifespan significantly. i think these are excuses to cover up their chief qualm. it can't be with oil. you can thank the public relations team for the olive oil makers for convincing the world that oil is good for you. it can't be with the soybean. soy has become synonymous with healthy living. that leaves only the "partially hydrogenated" aspect. therefore, the problem, i believe, is with your work ethic.

partially hydrogenating obviously isn't fairing well for you these days. when the same old, same old is no longer good enough for your consumers, its time to upgrade. time to up the ante.
i say "commit!"

i say get up a little earlier. i say get to the soybean oil factory and don't leave until you've hydrogenated to the fullest. no more of this partial business. seriously, guys. hydrogenate your faces off.

don't sell yourselves short, fellas. try to remember the passion you had for hydrogenating in the beginning. back when soybean oils were only being hydrogenated by a select few. the best of the best. an underground network of hydrogenating fore fathers with little more than a dream & a pure love for the craft. that rewarding feeling of pride can be your's again. imagine what you could achieve if only you'd apply yourselves. you have too much potential to settle for "good enough". fully hydrogenated soybean oil is NOT a pipe dream!

we're americans. we don't want fractions of anything. give us the full treatment, already. we're an all-or-nothing society. we don't partially cook chicken, we don't tell jokes about chickens that partially cross the road, and we don't partially hydrogenate oxygen. we fully hydrogenate it. we want water, not gas. if you think about it, it makes sense.

your biggest fan,

T

PLANET QUARK

one time, when i was a boy, my dad offered a suggestion to help me fall asleep. my issue wasn't so much of a rebellion against bedtime but an overactive brain. dad told me i needed to stop thinking. he told me to close my eyes and think of the color black, like i'm suspended in an infinite sea of blackness. sure enough, before long, i was out.

about a week ago, i was lying in bed, exhausted and kicking the blankets in a mixture of confusion and frustration. i couldn't sleep. i closed my eyes and tried my dad's trick. as i focused on the darkness behind my eyelids, i imagined myself moving beyond the light spots that are forever in my periphery. seeking only black. mentally, i was moving forward into the endless void. i stopped thinking of black and just drifted. until it all backfired and i started thinking...

as i floated through an infinite fantasy, i thought of the quark.

an atom is, as far as we know, almost entirely empty space. a hydrogen atom is (i had to look this up) approximately 1/10,000,000th of a millimeter in diameter. the proton in the center of that atom is approximately 1/100,000th the size of the atom. the sole electron orbiting the proton is 1/1,000,000th the size of the atom. the distance between these two particles is enormous. to help grasp the scale, if an electron was as big as i am, the proton i circled would be almost 60,000 miles away.

these aren't even the smallest parts. they're made of smaller things. enter the quark.

the behavior of both atoms and galaxies are fairly similar. at least when you break it down to its simplest. the electron spins around the nucleus like the moon around the earth. like planets around our sun. like our solar system around the center of our galaxy. like our galaxies around yada, yada, yada... and on and on and on. there isn't a whole lot of difference between the big bang and the splitting of an atom, short of scale.

so, if we were all quarks, we couldn't comprehend something larger than an atom. it would be like how we can't comprehend something larger than the universe.

what if the universe, the biggest thing we can imagine, is actually like the atom - a finite piece of a much bigger puzzle that's simply too grand for our scope?

what if the we're just quarks hitching a ride?

i'm sure that any intellectual analysis of this idea of absurd insignificance would crumble it to it's foundation. i see holes in the logic already. i can't claim to be a scientist or a mathematician or a physicist. just a guy lost in a tangent of thought. still, the notion perplexed me for hours as i lay in my tiny bed, in my tiny room, trying to think of black.

A HALLOWEEN GAMEPLAN

halloween was one of my favorite holidays. not for the costumes and charlie brown specials. not for the late night scream flicks or pumpkin carving. it was all about the sugar. the treats. candy could possibly be my first love.

as i developed into a seasoned trick or treater, it became apparent to me that my rounds lacked efficiency. i realized that its not a matter of how many houses you hit, but which houses. fortunately, i lived in town, so i was under no parental time constraints. my limits were only the supply of candy being offered. when i was 11 or 12 years old, i decided i needed to formulate a plan of attack. the results were so fruitful, i thought i'd share my knowledge with the sugar junkies of tomorrow.

first of all, its imperative that you wear a mask. it makes a clever, double costume a possibility. i had a cape that was red on one side and black on the other. if a house was exceptionally generous, i'd hit it twice. first, as a wolfman in a black cape, then as a superhero in a red cape and eye mask. just covertly mesh into another group of kids on the second approach to avoid detection.

its also important to start as early as you can get away with. when i grew up, there was a halloween parade. all the kids would get dressed up and march through town so all the adults could gape at them, "ohh"-ing and "aww"-ing. trick or treating officially opened following the parade. i bypassed the parade and used the time to venture to the far west side of town. there was a substantial section of wealthier, younger families. lawyers, politicians, and doctors mostly. three houses in particular were famous for there goodies. if you got there while supplies held out (which wasn't long as lots of kids knew these to be hot spots), you were assured 3 full size candy bars. usually, an Oh Henry, a Whatchamacallit and a Hershey Bar.

a map can be incredibly helpful. it will keep you on pace. residential areas tend to have congregations of similar people. sketch out a drawing of your locality. just the main streets will suffice. its not to keep you from getting lost. more of an itinerary. think of the neighborhoods. once you've generalized your vicinity, you'll quickly see the high priority locations, and the areas not worth your time. i made a rough version of what mine may have looked like:



areas you want to hit for the goods:

• any grouping of large, expensive houses. usually on the edge of town, so make this one of your first stops, then work your way inward. they don't stock up since they're out of the way, but their treats are usually high quality.
  
• near hospitals. lots of doctors and nurses live nearby hospitals. doctors have lots of money to spend on candy and in small towns, they're well known in their community. their guilt will buy more candy then they need. this means that they usually dump it all in a bowl and let you take what you want. great for a double hit. first, cherry pick the best candy. then go back for a potluck handful.
• older parents with kids too old for trick or treating are eager for visitors. they miss the old days of halloween excitement and reminisce over their once adorable children. exploit that nostalgia. there was a lady who started making home-made caramel popcorn balls after her kids moved out. i don't recommend taking things like that from strangers though, unless you have a taste for razor blades and strychnine.
  
• smaller neighborhoods are perfect to connect two sections. the smaller the better. they get less traffic so they tend to keep their lights on the longest. they're also eager for the attention and with a little chit chat, you may be able to finagle a bonus Bit-O-Honey for your cuteness and conversational skills.
  
• know your old folks homes! i can't stress this enough. the elderly are probably the most ecstatic to see you and they're all congregated in one building. my town had 2 that were both conveniently located near my house. The Green Home had a table set up in the lobby covered in candy dishes. the residents sit around as you come in and stock up on your pick of the litter. park hill manor gathers its occupants in a circle in the game room. you had to make a lap, but nearly each wrinkled hand offered a fistful of candy. you may get a few cheek pinches or a box of raisins here or there, but its well worth the sacrifice.

stay away from businesses and schools. some stores may have a small dish of penny candy, but they tend to be few and far between. also, schools and their surrounding areas tend to attract younger families. they would happily dispense candy if they were home, but they're not. steer clear.

use the buddy system. having a friend with a double costume is a great benefit for both time management and making your double hits less suspect. if you and a friend each take one side a side of a street, you can point out the best houses at the corner or team up for a second attempt.

finally, plan your route. do not start from home and work your way out. you'll find yourself crossing the same ground twice, wasting precious time. if possible, start at one end and move your way across. try to hit your neighborhood somewhere in the middle. this not only allows you the chance to get your neighbors' candy (let them know its you. they might give you extra), but to empty your bounty. i kept a pillowcase in my tree house as a drop point. carrying an empty pumpkin pail late in the evening can often win you some sympathy sweets. plus, having a hidden treasure can help alleviate the stresses caused by parents who insist on a candy rationing system.

keep in mind, the best treats require a few tricks.

CHOOSING A LAUNDRY DETERGENT

face it.

when it comes to comparing laundry detergents, no particular brand is really any better than the other. they're all just soap. some have fancy pants scents and flashy colors, but the contents all produce the same results.

so how is one to choose?

i suggest approaching it like so. as you peruse the cleaning supplies aisle at the supermarket, judge your current emotional state. based on that, choose accordingly. chances are good that you'll find a perfect match for your state of mind. for your particular lifestyle. for your message to the laundering world. let your detergent be a reflection of you, like a mood ring. here's some suggestions.

GAIN
the motivational soap.
let the world know that you're on your way to the top. nothing will stand in the way of your achievement. tell them with a lilac scent if you must. the box even offers some great tips on writing a resume. its especially good at cleaning ring around the collar and sweaty socks for all of you out there on the move.

TIDE
the transitional soap.
its like Gain but without the positive spin. maybe its for the good, maybe its for the bad. Tide says you just don't know. its change beyond your control. if you've recently broken up with your significant other, if you've noticed a new mole on your arm, or if you've decided you want to try authentic asian cuisine, look no further. its particularly formulated for washing new clothes, hand me downs, and thrift store acquisitions. sometimes, for no reason at all, it will shrink all your clothes two sizes or disintegrate one sock out of every pair. roll with it. that just means its working!

CHEER
the happiness soap.
the beauty of cheer is that it spans the whole spectrum. beaming with joy? snag some regular Cheer with a springtime fragrance and skip as you relocate your threads from the washer to the dryer. wallowing in an abysmal depression? Cheer Free is for you. no cheer here. in fact, the bottle is mostly empty since you'll be too bummed out to wash up. the former makes your yellows yellower, the latter makes all your clothes blue.

ALL
the insatiable soap.
over indulgent? living a life of excess? is nothing ever quite good enough? you need All. its incredibly concentrated so you can wash every single piece of fabric in your possession at one time. and if its power you crave, you need All Mighty - with robe whitening power!

ARM & HAMMER
the tough guy soap.
it flaunts a ripple bicep, a rolled up t-shirt sleeve and a sledge hammer right on the label. it exudes machismo and brute strength. the jug itself is lined with steel if you happen to get into a gang fight in the laundromat. the detergent is also specially formulated for the efficient removal of blood stains.

FAB
the too cool for school soap.
Fab is perfect for all the retro hipster living in the past. it even contains 10 of the 12 ingredients found in the soft drink, Tab. bring some carbonated water and sugar along and you can entertain in between the spin cycles. it also rapidly speeds up the fraying and fading process on all your tight, ripped jeans and ironic t-shirts.

SNUGGLE
the love soap.
you're just a soft teddy bear on the inside. no sense in hiding it. maybe that cute gal spending too much time folding her underwear will take notice. show your true colors to the world... and keep your true colors as well. works great on sheets!