A HALLOWEEN GAMEPLAN

halloween was one of my favorite holidays. not for the costumes and charlie brown specials. not for the late night scream flicks or pumpkin carving. it was all about the sugar. the treats. candy could possibly be my first love.

as i developed into a seasoned trick or treater, it became apparent to me that my rounds lacked efficiency. i realized that its not a matter of how many houses you hit, but which houses. fortunately, i lived in town, so i was under no parental time constraints. my limits were only the supply of candy being offered. when i was 11 or 12 years old, i decided i needed to formulate a plan of attack. the results were so fruitful, i thought i'd share my knowledge with the sugar junkies of tomorrow.

first of all, its imperative that you wear a mask. it makes a clever, double costume a possibility. i had a cape that was red on one side and black on the other. if a house was exceptionally generous, i'd hit it twice. first, as a wolfman in a black cape, then as a superhero in a red cape and eye mask. just covertly mesh into another group of kids on the second approach to avoid detection.

its also important to start as early as you can get away with. when i grew up, there was a halloween parade. all the kids would get dressed up and march through town so all the adults could gape at them, "ohh"-ing and "aww"-ing. trick or treating officially opened following the parade. i bypassed the parade and used the time to venture to the far west side of town. there was a substantial section of wealthier, younger families. lawyers, politicians, and doctors mostly. three houses in particular were famous for there goodies. if you got there while supplies held out (which wasn't long as lots of kids knew these to be hot spots), you were assured 3 full size candy bars. usually, an Oh Henry, a Whatchamacallit and a Hershey Bar.

a map can be incredibly helpful. it will keep you on pace. residential areas tend to have congregations of similar people. sketch out a drawing of your locality. just the main streets will suffice. its not to keep you from getting lost. more of an itinerary. think of the neighborhoods. once you've generalized your vicinity, you'll quickly see the high priority locations, and the areas not worth your time. i made a rough version of what mine may have looked like:



areas you want to hit for the goods:

• any grouping of large, expensive houses. usually on the edge of town, so make this one of your first stops, then work your way inward. they don't stock up since they're out of the way, but their treats are usually high quality.
  
• near hospitals. lots of doctors and nurses live nearby hospitals. doctors have lots of money to spend on candy and in small towns, they're well known in their community. their guilt will buy more candy then they need. this means that they usually dump it all in a bowl and let you take what you want. great for a double hit. first, cherry pick the best candy. then go back for a potluck handful.
• older parents with kids too old for trick or treating are eager for visitors. they miss the old days of halloween excitement and reminisce over their once adorable children. exploit that nostalgia. there was a lady who started making home-made caramel popcorn balls after her kids moved out. i don't recommend taking things like that from strangers though, unless you have a taste for razor blades and strychnine.
  
• smaller neighborhoods are perfect to connect two sections. the smaller the better. they get less traffic so they tend to keep their lights on the longest. they're also eager for the attention and with a little chit chat, you may be able to finagle a bonus Bit-O-Honey for your cuteness and conversational skills.
  
• know your old folks homes! i can't stress this enough. the elderly are probably the most ecstatic to see you and they're all congregated in one building. my town had 2 that were both conveniently located near my house. The Green Home had a table set up in the lobby covered in candy dishes. the residents sit around as you come in and stock up on your pick of the litter. park hill manor gathers its occupants in a circle in the game room. you had to make a lap, but nearly each wrinkled hand offered a fistful of candy. you may get a few cheek pinches or a box of raisins here or there, but its well worth the sacrifice.

stay away from businesses and schools. some stores may have a small dish of penny candy, but they tend to be few and far between. also, schools and their surrounding areas tend to attract younger families. they would happily dispense candy if they were home, but they're not. steer clear.

use the buddy system. having a friend with a double costume is a great benefit for both time management and making your double hits less suspect. if you and a friend each take one side a side of a street, you can point out the best houses at the corner or team up for a second attempt.

finally, plan your route. do not start from home and work your way out. you'll find yourself crossing the same ground twice, wasting precious time. if possible, start at one end and move your way across. try to hit your neighborhood somewhere in the middle. this not only allows you the chance to get your neighbors' candy (let them know its you. they might give you extra), but to empty your bounty. i kept a pillowcase in my tree house as a drop point. carrying an empty pumpkin pail late in the evening can often win you some sympathy sweets. plus, having a hidden treasure can help alleviate the stresses caused by parents who insist on a candy rationing system.

keep in mind, the best treats require a few tricks.

OPERATION LACTOSE TOLERANCE

i'm a dairy fan. actually, i was a dairy fan, once upon a time. i loved milk. with loads of vitamins for strong bones and healthy skin and a scrumptious refreshment beyond comparison, can you really blame me?

approximately 6 or 7 years ago, after countless mysterious belly aches, i discovered i'd become lactose intolerant. hypolactasia for all the smart pants. i think i over dosed on the stuff. i had broken my leg near the ankle during my senior year of high school just before a two week trip to Spain. far be it from me and my hobbled state to hold up any walking tours of foreign lands. after only a few days, i left my crutches behind and walked on my cast. i returned to a very displeased doctor who informed me that my bones weren't healing. i got the same news a month later. then a month later. nervous that my bones were lacking in some vital minerals, i turned to the bottle. the jug actually. i binge drank milk. gallons. the bone began to mend slowly and after 6 months, i was in two shoes again. not days after the liberation, i broke it again in a roller blading mishap. with nowhere else to turn, i found the jug. it was calling me. comforting my pain with its creamy goodness.

of course this is all speculation, but i believe that my body's production of the lactase enzyme, the enzyme which breaks down lactose sugar found in milk, had shut down from the stress of my demands.

i have since been forced to change my diet. no more ice cream or milkshakes. no skim, 2% or whole. if i want milk, i pay the price, if not physically, monetarily. special Lactaid milk (with the lactase enzyme added) is nearly twice the price. cheese is out too, unless its aged. i have to take special pills along whenever i go out to eat.

i've spent close to a decade cowering to my own intestines. no more.no longer will i sit idly by while my guts hold the rest of me hostage. i'm drawing a line in the sand. i'm fighting back.

they say that humans are the only animals that continue to consume milk beyond infancy. they say that it's against evolution. against evolution? i say its the next step in evolution. by becoming my own guinea pig, i may just open the door to the next era of mankind. i'm approaching it like an addiction in reverse. i've begun slowly weaning milk back into my life. for the past couple months, i've been using half & half in my coffee. then this week, i bought regular milk. i'm drinking a cup of the blue cap each night.

my digestive system controls my intestinal tract, but i control my digestive system. i'm the boss. do you hear that, small intestines? who's yo daddy? i've got the brain and the muscles. what have you got? step out of line? fail to comply? i'll punch you. i'll eat indian food every night. i'll get that bypass surgery if i have to. i don't care. i'll do it. you WILL shape up or i WILL ship you out. digest milk or you're haggis.

that's not a threat, intestines. its a promise.

INTOLERANTS UNITE!

POLITICALLY CORRECT CANDY

about a week ago, i was watching a late night re-run of Seinfeld. George and Jerry were sitting in the coffee shop trying to figure out what the deal is with something or other. i wasn't really paying attention because on the counter in the background was a box of Cherry Clans.

i haven't seen Cherry Clans since i was a boy. back when i used to shop at the 5 & 10 for penny candy, pop rocks and candy cigarettes. on occasion, i'd splurge on a box of Cherry Clans to satisfy my sugar fix. sweet and sour, hard and soft, all in one. little round cherry flavored deliciousness to aid in ridding my mouth of all the unwanted baby teeth, once and for all.

in those days, i had no idea how offensive it was. in reality, i failed to understand the meaning behind the confusing name, the derogatory cartoons on the box or the asian inspired font of choice. i never thought twice about the confusing name. things didn't have to make sense when i was 8. it wasn't until seeing them in the distant set design of a sitcom did it suddenly occur to me that it was a play on Charlie Chan. i immediately sent my team of top notch researchers to investigate.

it turns out Cherry Clans were made by the Ferrara-Pan Confection Co.. Ferrara being the founder, pan being his preferred cooking utensil. the same Ferrara-Pan Confections Co. who brought you the Lemonhead, the Jawbreaker and the Atomic Fireball. originally, Cherry Clans were in fact called Cherry Chans. no beating around the bush.

i don't know if threats of anti-defamation litigation got the ball of change rolling, but the name was altered from "chan" to "clan". not too long afterward, the cartoons changed to less enthnically specific caricatures. then, finally, maybe sometime in the mid to late 1990's, the company did a total overhaul of its branding. virtually all of their fruit flavored candies hopped onto Lemonhead's back, freeloading on his (yes, Lemonheads have a gender) success. Cherry Clans are now Cherryheads.

i guess ancient greek warriors found the Alexander The Grape candy equally distasteful. they're sensitive about their humongous feet and indigo complexions, i suppose. i, for one, will miss the mohawk helmet with build in sideburn shields.

it seems good 'ole Johnny Appletreat has hung up his sauce pan hat and closeted his neon green coveralls for keeps. apple growers of america really must have caused a ruckus over Ferrara's insinuation of their misuse of cookware and the slandering of agricultural heroes.

while i understand the need to change the Cherry Clans, did the rest of the treats need equal reprimand. seriously. there were definitely a few times when i bought Alexander The Grapes over Lemonheads purely because i thought i'd look cooler with them in my shirt pocket. he was a conqueror after all. a legendary king, an american pioneer, and a crime solving detective. now they're just generic, bow tied bubble headed nerds. the unique intrigue of yesteryear has turned to unbridled confectionary conformity.

a side note to concerned parents looking out for the welfare of their offspring: the candy's image has changed. they are all now virtually indistinguishable to the color blind. no one's feeling will be hurt... but the candy now comes in almost twice the size with almost twice the candy. while your outrage has successfully shielded your children from the harsh atrocities of human nature, its of little defense against their future diabetes.

touché, Mr. Ferrara.
touché.

WENDY'S

i stopped at Wendy's tonight on my way home from work. i had a craving for soft serve vanilla ice cream all day. now, mind you, i'm not much of a fast food connoisseur. in fact, i've been actively avoiding it for years now. after reading Fast Food Nation, seeing Supersize Me, and hearing all the fun facts from my vegetarian friends, i've become pretty disgusted by the whole scene. maybe my lack of frequent visits attributes to why so many things seemed odd to me.

first of all, the line for the drive through was a least 20 cars long. the beginning of the line almost met the end, circling the entire building. seeing hardly anyone inside, i parked and went in. the line was only about 5 or 6 people deep.

i looked over the menu as i waited for my turn. curiously, it was ridiculously simplified. the sign on the wall was broken into 6 sections. 5 displayed pictures of the combo meals and frosty desserts. 1 was the value menu. it was practically text free.

also, there's almost no individual items listed. the sandwiches in the meals aren't priced without the accompanying fries and soda.

frostys have diversified. you can get the standard chocolate or vanilla variety, a frosty float (half frosty, half root beer) or a twisted frosty (frosty mixed with a little crushed candy). what is weird is the pricing. a frosty is 99 cents for 12 oz., $1.49 for 16 oz., and $1.99 for 20 oz.. the twisted frosty is $2.89. that means that when you subtract the 99 cents worth of ice cream, you're paying almost $2 for about a tablespoon of crumbled oreos. the frosty float is $2.49 for 16 oz. (8 oz. of frosty, 8 oz. of root beer). subtract the 66 cents worth of ice cream and the 61 cents for the soda, and you realize you're paying as much for the cup as you are for the beverage. still, the two people in front of me got floats. the guy in front of them bought a twisted frosty.

i ordered and still had to wait about 5 minutes. i tried to figure out why but could come to no conclusion. the girl who took my order just stood there.

while patiently tapping my foot, i took notice of an "employees of the month" plaque. nothing fancy. just your run of the mill piece of wood with little brass plates for engraved names. it was proudly hung on the front wall. every brass plate was blank.

so what have i learned?

• people would rather waste a half an hour on a friday evening than walk 20 feet.
• fries and a soda automatically comes with anything you order
  
• Wendy's views its customers as illiterate and devoid of basic math skills
  
• cashiers do not perform functions that require more than the use of an index fingertip
• no Wendy's employees have ever done a good job
  

i guess i just have a hard time understanding why these places are so successful. everyone is aware of how horribly unhealthy the food is. its not even that fresh or that tasty. its barely even biodegradable. i used to think the hook was the low cost, but most of the combo meals were over $5. the corporations apparently view their patrons as complete idiots. is it simply a matter of effective saturation advertising and "convenience"? i just don't get it.

am i the only person who thinks this is all bazaar?

THE CAFFEINATED GENERATION

when i was growing up, i was one of the few regular coffee drinkers i knew. my habit began in high school. i was mainly in it for the caffeine. i had alway been a night person. the quiet solitude gave me plenty of uninterrupted time to draw and write and paint, but left me sluggish for school in the morning. i'd make a stop at dunkin donuts (it was 'mister donut' then) almost every day.

when i was growing up, kids were prevented from drinking coffee. adults had a handful of reasons ready if the need arose.

"kids have enough energy already".
"it'll make your teeth yellow."
"coffee makes your breath smell."
"it'll stunt your growth."

kids all drink coffee now. with the explosion of coffeehouses and the starbucks franchise, its become the thing to do. its trendy. its hip. they even sell CD's and have live music. they're always full of kids. the grumpy old lady cashiers are gone, too. even the employees are kids.

where are all the grown ups who gave me so much slack 10 years ago?
are we heading towards a future race of jittery, yellow toothed, foul breathed midgets?

i can only hope.

CAGE MATCH: ICEE VS. SLURPEE

in this corner, in the blue and red cup, weighing in at 22 oz. and hailing from the Wawa convenience store chain and superstores such as K-Mart and Walmart. the polar bear with flair. ICEE!

...and in this corner, sporting the enormous transparent cup and weighing in at hefty 32 oz. coming all the way from your local 7-11. the brain freezer. SLURPEE!

let's get readyyy to ruuuumble!

the main event tonight is scheduled for 3 rounds. by the looks of these two opponents, this should truly be a brutal brawl. each fighter tonight is using the cherry fighting style. Icee is supported ringside by his manager Coca-Cola, and his sparring partner and former champion, Blue Raspberry. he's smaller than his adversary at a tight 22 oz. but boasts much more experience in the ring as a consistent flavor. Slurpee has assembled an enormous entourage on his side. i'm counting about 82 flavors, over there. the Slurpee team is notorious for debuting new fighters and it looks like its assembled the whole squad for tonight's main event.

and there's the bell!

ROUND 1:
Slurpee explodes out his corner. we've witnessed how the Slurpee management team treats all its flavors with equal attention so it really has been quite a while since Cherry Slurpee has shown us his moves in the ring. Icee, on the other end, saunters out with focus. he's been their star fighter for nearly 40 years and the Icee crew obviously knows when they've got a champion in their mitts. let's see if all that experience pays of against his rivals more sporadic record.

Icee is choosing his shots wisely. he bobs and weaves like the veteran he is, waiting for the opportunity to slip in some nice jabs. he's connecting with some regularity but Slurpee is taking it. he's dancing all over the ring and though his punches meet with a lot of Icee's blocks, when he's able to get his trademark brain freeze uppercut to connect, you can see Icee reel back. without a doubt, he's feeling it. and that'll bring round 1 to an end. i'm giving it Slurpee.

ROUND 2:
Icee took some punishment in that round. he's a bit wobbly as he makes it to his feet and Slurpee seems to have lost some of that speed he had earlier. both contenders have depleted a little over 1/3 of their contents. Icee still looks red and vibrant, but Slurpee's getting flush around the top. from here at the announcers' table, it looks like much of his flavor has seeped to his feet.

Icee stays with his traditional attack strategy. Slurpee's stamina has definitely dropped considerably. he taking a lot of shots out there. i haven't seen a fighter abandon his defense like this since the last Rocky movie. he's trying to turn it around with his devastating brain freeze, but with mostly super sweet juices and little to no ice behind it, its having a minimal effect. he's having some trouble finding the mark as well. Icee keeps backing Slurpee into the corner where he delivers body blow after body blow. this could be it for Slurpee. he's got a deep gash in his spoon straw. whoa. saved by the bell. the referee separates the two just in time. the crowd is going crazy out here. i'm clearly giving that round to Icee.

ROUND 3:
here we are. the deciding round. Icee still has nearly half of his contents reserved and a healthy pink color. Slurpee isn't fairing as well. his coach tried to mix him up but the effect won't last long. all his flavor has dropped to the bottom of his cup. he's hurt and all that ice is proving to be a heavy load of dead weight. Icee is brushing off Slurpee's blows. the syrup has lost all the icy force. it seems like more of a nuisance to Icee than a threat. he's really unleashing out there. a beautiful combination from Icee! Slurpee pulls his straw out a few times and stabs it into his own ice, trying to find some overlooked strength. he literally grasping at straws in a real desperation attempt. he somehow maneuvers an uppercut that forces Icee back onto his heels but he's too dazed to follow it up with an effective offense. Icee pauses, makes a quick stir himself, and charges in. a pair of jabs. a hard left hook! Slurpee is against the ropes! he appears to be out of flavor, unable to muster anything out of the glob of white ice still inside his cup. he takes an overhand pummeling from Icee's vicious right, sending Slurpee's domed lid into the crowd...and he's down!

Icee is teetering over him with only a couple sips left. if Slurpee can make it to his feet, i'm not sure Icee can keep up with his pace. Slurpee looks to be getting, wait, no, it's over!

Icee wins!
Icee wins!
Icee wins!

PHILADELICASIES

every major city has its faithfully devoted. inhabitants from wherever, beaming with pride over where they've chosen to call home. its sort of noble. or maybe it some inborn longing to build a family based only on sharing an area code. whatever the reason, its a feeling that opens a gateway for business opportunities.

people express their love for home in different ways. they adamantly back their local football/ baseball/ hockey team. they soak in the music, arts and culture. they stroll through the shopping districts. they establish symbols of their city and, most important for me, they have trademark foods.

Philadelphia is where my mail is sent. everyone loves our eagles and our phillies and our flyers. our art museum is first class and we have an ever expanding gallery area in olde city. designer shops are littered throughout center city, or you can skate the fringe on south street if your feeling more bohemian. the declaration of independence was born here and tourists flock from all over to see the liberty bell or, if time permits, pay a visit to the franklin mint...but no matter what, every visitor has to taste a real Philadelphia cheesesteak. the cheesesteak is what keeps us on the map. when i'm hosting some friends from out of town, getting a cheesesteak is always on their to do lists. second in fame, regarding our edible products, is Philadelphia cream cheese. its even named after the place.

i propose to exploit these national consumer icons. the time has come to up the ante.

introducing the philadelphia cream cheesesteak.

thinly sliced, grade A flank steak, cooked to perfection on a flat top grill, inside a fresh south philly roll, smeared with authentic Philadelphia cream cheese. its the full philadelphia dining experience for the tourist on the go. is your mouth watering yet?

before now, cheesesteaks were exclusively post lunch treats. with the introduction of cream cheese, the market can be opened for breakfasts and brunches. this addition of the third mealtime boosts the sales potential by at least 33%.

not if, but when this blows up, the next step is expanding the product. i'm already way ahead on that. phase two: the south philly pretzel cream cheesesteak. its the cream cheesesteak you know and love, sandwiched between two salted soft pretzels... and it only gets better from there.

THE INK DIET

"hello!"

"i'm dr. tyler. i've recently developed a new weight loss plan that people are talking about nationwide! excited? well, you should be! it has been hollywood's best kept secret...until now! so sit back, get comfortable and prepare yourself for..."

"The Ink Diet!"

"someone great probably once said 'the great achievements require only great motivation.' hell, sounds pretty profound, right? some of the biggest success stories in history were brought upon by some driving force. desperation. fighting for a better life. easing hardship. recovering from poverty. the simple struggle to survive. and the stronger the motivation, the better the result."

"not so long ago, while sitting pool side by the solarium of my plush estate one sunny afternoon, i got to thinking. then, suddenly, it struck me like an uppercut from the mighty hercules himself! i quickly assembled all the scientists i knew. now, with nearly 5 hours of restless work concluded, i'm ready to share my results with the public! we've devised a new diet plan based off of this motivational principle. i've titled it..."

"The Ink Diet!"

"obesity in america has become a enormous problem (pun intended). every year it seems to be worse then its predessessor. everyone knows how to lose weight. intake less calories then you burn and exercise more. simple, right? or is it? the problem lies in the drive. who's with me on that one? alright, let's hear it! you folks in the back know what i'm talking about!!"

"...but right now, i'm prepared to propose an exclusive offer brought to you with the help of McDonald's, makers of the succulent, mouth watering, all beef Big Mac. make it Mac tonight! this is a limited time offer, so rush to that phone! you'll need to act fast! for just 16 simple payments of $29.95, i'll provide the drive for you. that's right! motivate yourself no longer!!!"

"...and it couldn't be easier. here's my patented Ink Diet (in 3 easy steps)*:

• choose a design from a catalog (included in the package!!!)**
• using a photo of your bare abdomen and advanced computer technology, i'll create a digital 3-D model of your belly as it would appear at your goal weight. i'll then place the design in the 'target zone'. with the help of space age technology, i'll animate this slender version of you into the hefty body you now occupy, all the while, distorting your hand picked design with the changing form as though it were a part of your ACTUAL SKIN. then, i'll arrange for my skilled team to permanently tattoo the newly deformed artwork on your stomach.
• motivated by the urge to show off your new ink, yet embarassed by its seemingly poor execution, you'll swiftly muster the self discipline you need to shed those unwanted pounds.

"don't just take my word for it. see the results for yourself!"

Christina A.
BEFORE AND AFTER

Gwyneth P.
BEFORE AND AFTER

"it couldn't be easier. in virtually no time, you'll quickly receive our tattoo design catalog***. simply make your choice and then watch that cellulite fall off."

YOU CHOOSE IT, THEN YOU LOSE IT!!!

YOU'LL BE LOOKING YOUR BEST AND YOU'LL BE HIP TO BOOT, OR YOUR MONEY BACK!****

*(plan not legally patented)
**(catalog sold separately)
***(catalog shipped after receipt of all payments. allow additional 6-8 weeks shipping)
****(not a guarantee. no refunds will be granted)

NEWS ON THE RUNT FRONT

several months ago, i wrote about the banana runt. the odd man out in an otherwise tasty assortment of fruity flavors. i wondered, and still do, as to how this gross flavor has managed to stand the test of time.

not long after, i saw new runts at an airport newstand. two new flavors and one flavor taken out of the rotation. lime was no more but now we are treated with blue raspberry and watermelon. and yet, banana still shows its ugly curved yellow mug.

...but wait. the winds of change blow strong at the willy wonka candy factory. last week, while perusing the aisles of wal-mart, a shelf of orange boxes catches my eye. a whole shelf of runts. as i picked up a box, i noticed that the raspberry and watermelon flavors are hanging tough, but as i set them back in their place, i noticed an unopened case further back. curiosity made me pull it out.

new flavors!

i knelt to the floor in silent exuberance. two new flavors, and so soon after the last flavors overhaul? it seems they're seeing things as i had and went with some more tropical tastes. somehow banana still drifts throughout, but now it shares company with pineapple and mango. unfortunately, its a little bittersweet. lime is still gone, but so, too, is cherry. one of my favorites. i find it hard to believe that more people like banana than cherry. as i looked a little odd sitting on the floor, rifling through a case of runts, i bought a box of each for further analysis.

the plot thickens. the mango/pineapple runts box was bilingual. unlike the other box, its had both English and Spanish text. were these intended for a latin destination, only to be hijacked at sea by wal-mart pirates to keep "selling for less"?

that's my theory.

ANTI-ANTI-OXIDENT

i'm a fan of vitamin water. its tasty, refreshing and full of vitamins and minerals, and as we all know, vitamins and minerals are delicious.

today, while running around, i stopped at a convenience store and purchased a flavor i had never seen before. its called XXX. acai, blueberry and pomegranate. the three x's refer to the triple antioxidant power contained within.

this and the general public's recent raving over antioxidants made me think of free radicals since these are what antioxidants are removing from our bodies.

free radical doesn't sound bad to me. freedom is great and radical is, obviously, radical. its so radical, in fact, i named my pet mouse Rad when i was 9 years old. on a similar note, antioxidants are supposed to be good for us, but its anti oxidants. against oxidants. that sounds a lot like oxygen to me and i've been under the impression that oxygen is something sort of important for my much appreciated respiratory system. so oxidants sound good to me, too. why do i want anti-oxidants? and if they changed the name to something more accurate, like anti-radical or anti-free, i'd be even more confused. i'm anti-anti-oxidant. give me a heaping bowl of oxidants and i'll be the most radical dude in the free world.

MUFFIN EVOLUTION

until moving to Philadelphia to go to college, i knew of only three varieties of muffins. bran muffins, corn muffins and blueberry muffins. shortly after relocating to the big city, i noticed an enormous growth in the muffin aisle of the supermarket. suddenly, there's banana nut, there's chocolate chip, there's double chocolate, there's cranberry orange, there's cinnamon streusel. "what's a steusel?" thought i (probably). just about anything you could think of now came in muffin form. cranberry and banana had always been homemade breads in my book, so seeing these wasn't too surprising, but double chocolate was a birthday cake. chocolate chips came inside cookies.

i grew up in a simple place in what seemed like simpler times. the town always seemed a step behind. i spent the first 18 years of my life in the same town, in the same house even, so i thought to myself that maybe this next generation of baked goods didn't just pop up. its more than possible that these had been around and were forcibly kept out of town by the conservative locals fearing muffin change. i thought that maybe my ability to point out an observation on this matter was completely out of line.

to play it safe, i looked "muffins" up on wikipedia (its a pretty extensive write up, actually. who knew?). as it so happens, sometime in the 1980's, as gourmet coffee shops like Starbuck's and other specialty food stores started gaining popularity, so too did the exciting new muffins they offered. they blew the minds of muffin eaters everywhere.

let it be known that given all options, i'll take a chocolate chip muffin 9 times out of 10. they are, for lack of a better word, awesome. i think this is so because i also love cupcakes. muffins have evolved, my friends, into icing-less cupcakes. this can quickly become a very slippery slope. we, as a nation, seem to have accepted this change and these new additions without balking. i've never heard anyone remark on this matter before which leads me to believe that appointing the title of "muffin" to any cakey-bread in a mushroom shape is fine.

so here's my plan: i'm going to start making butter cakes in rectangular pans, then slice them into half inch slabs, then bag those bad boys up. i'll sell them as "Uncle Tyler's Sweet Sandwich Bread". if a muffin goes for about $2.00 a pop, i think i could reasonably charge $10.00 a loaf.

pre-orders are currently being taken by email only.
visa & mastercard accepted.

(free insulin shot with an order of 10 or more!)

BANANA RUNTS

its one of the great mysteries of the universe.

when one encounters a banana runt in the otherwise delicious fruity kaleidoscope of runt flavors, the typical response is to move on. i've known few people who enjoyed the phony banana candy, but i've never encountered anyone who claimed them as their favorite. yet still, the runt remains. willy wonka, the maker of this and a number of other sugary confections, obviously sees something i don't. possibly yellow dye is the cheapest. maybe it requires the least amount of flavoring. either way, i think its time to cut the losses and move on. maybe grape is ready for its time to shine. almost everyone likes pineapple. that would keep with the tropical element banana brought to the table. or mango for that matter. mango is highly underrated. i'd even be willing to accept lemon.

lemon.
that's a whole other animal.

lemon spoils a mouthful of mike & ike's. whenever i buy a pack of starbursts, i count the ratio of flavors. weird? sure, but i've discovered that lemon out numbers any other single flavor in the original assortment. in the rare case that its not dominant, orange (the second worst) takes the prize. ask anyone what their favorite starburst flavor is. the vast majority will tell you either strawberry or cherry. on more than one occasion, i've fought for the last cherry. lemon, at least in the taffy world, needs a replacement. maybe i'll start a petition. state the proposal from a grass roots level. from a marketing standpoint alone, i would think that cutting back on the lemons and cranking production up on the cherry and strawberry would sell more candy. aren't candy makers trying to turn a profit like the rest of us? they could try a little harder.

THIS JUST IN:
i was in the airport recently and while waiting for the boarding call of my flight, i perused the candy counter of a nearby news stand. to my joy, i noticed they carried runts. in the movie theater sized jumbo box no less. i made the transaction and scurried off to my gate.

it wasn't until i was settled on the plane that i pulled the box from my pocket. bold neon letters in the top corner exclaimed "New Flavors!" can it be? i tore the box open and sifted through a fistful to see what was added and what was discontinued. sadly, they've given lime the boot, and seemingly replaced it with the an even more sour watermelon. also, they've tacked on blue raspberry (which was an unexpected delight). banana is still in abundance.