FREEDOM OF SPEECH

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HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

BUTTERHEAD

last sunday, in Vancouver, WA., 11 year old Tyler Hemmert was slacking off in a park with his friend, Nate. another kid came along and they got into an argument. the disgruntled boy, in a temporary fit of rage, released the might of his weapon, a stainless steel butter knife (butter knives are the new nunchucks). Nate ducked to avoid the blunt object as it hurled through the air. Tyler, unfortunately, won't be winning any awards for his quick reaction time.

the business end pierced the skin of Tyler's head and four inches of it entered and lodged between the scalp and the skull. a pain he would later compare to that of a bee sting. he stood there somewhat dumbfounded by the fact that he could see a floating butter knife handle in his peripheral vision. he said, “I just tried to tell myself to stay calm and stuff.” Nate, the lassie of Vancouver, rushed off and retrieved Tyler's dad. Mr. Hemmert left the knife in place (a decision based on the fact that he's "seen a couple of these [medical] shows") so Tyler was carted off in an ambulance with the butter knife still in his head. Thankfully he did, or we wouldn't have this great x-ray.

"Pretty much everybody's talking about it and stuff. They're like, 'Oh, my God, it actually happened to you. I can't believe it." Tyler's friends have even begun calling him "butterhead".

the wound required 5 stitches and Butterhead is expected to make a full recovery.

authorities have not yet decided whether or not to file charges against the butter knife ninja. Butterhead hasn't seen his assailant but he heard that he wanted "to come over my house to apologize and stuff".

(this story is completely true. you can't make up a story like this one about Butterhead unless you make your living as a screen writer for american pie movies. i gathered this information from the ABC evening news last night, a transcript of an interview with Butterhead on the Today Show and the MSNBC website.)