PAPER OR PLASTIC

"paper or plastic?"
"uh, what are my other options?"

its virtually impossible not to get a bag, no matter what the purchase. its not often that i even require one. my hands and pockets do more than suffice in most cases. no matter where i go. no matter what i buy. everything comes with a complimentary carrying case of one variety or another.

this might be a localized occurrence, but it could have easily become a national trend right under our noses. it seems as though clerks are programmed to bag without question. convenience store employees seem to have the quickest draws. from the beep of the scanner straight into an open plastic sack. i wait for the opportune moment to spit out out my, "I can carry that!" but if i flounder, if i take too long counting the change in my pocket, then i lose the duel. can of pepsi. bag. pack of gum. bag. tootsie roll. bag. if i just ask for a bag, it comes in a bag. the irony is that it actually makes carrying my goods less convenient. my pack of trident wasn't originally that difficult to manage, but now i either have a wad of plastic filling my jacket pocket or i stumble out of the store in search of the proper receptacle to dispense of my newly acquired "trash". thanks.

the corporate heads of these franchises must somehow benefit by forcing bags on any customer not quick enough to deny one. that can be the only answer, and i can only theorize as to why. its possible that these same CEO's also fund third-world bag producing sweatshops. its possible that somewhere in some subterranean training facility for new hires, convenience store big wigs are twirling their pencil thin mustaches, laughing manically as they implant mind controlling microchips in the squishy brain stems of fresh faced kids. i suspect that upon seeing some trigger, like a UPC symbol, they're drown with an urge to bag. since most bags come with the corporate logo branded on the side, the corporation is paying itself for free advertising. meanwhile, i suppose, poor, malnourished, guatamalan orphans slave away under penalty of barbed whip, for hours on end, cutting handle holes in plastic bags and gluing flaps on future text book covers. we've all seen what happened to the poor juvenile bag makers in indiana jones and the temple of doom. some of them get their hearts pulled right out their chests. its true.

we must rise up and stop these barbarous acts!
DENY THE BAG!

think of the Guatemalan orphans.

MENOMENA - "FRIEND & FOE"

Menomena's second full length album came out a couple weeks ago. i pre-ordered it on amazon expecting to have it in my mailbox within 3-5 business days as promised. the anticipation was bubbling up inside me like magma. the first album by the Portland, Oregon group, I Am The Fun Blame Monster (an anagram of "the first Menomena album") had me reeling for more. after 6 days of mail checking, not counting the weekend, it arrived.

first off, i need to address the album art. it was, after all, one of the reasons why i bought a tangible CD in this modern digital age. there are virtually no words anywhere in the packaging except for the on the actual disc. its equivalent to the wordless ( ) album by Sigur Ros. the booklet is a single folded piece of card stock filled with various illustrations in each of the 4 sections. this artwork was created by Craig Thompson, well known for his graphic novel, "Blankets" (the accent here on novel, as it is a 600 page book about his early life). the clever angle isn't actually the illustrations. its the cut outs. each of the sections is thematically colored. gray. blue. red. green. each has holes where mouths or eyes of little drawn creatures should be. by folding, flipping or turning the booklet and rotating the CD to line up different symbols and colors, there are virtually limitless possible variations to its appearance . you could even pop the plastic backing of the jewel case apart and flip the back over if you wanted to. i like this new "make you our CD" trend going on. Beck did something similar with "The Information" album.

all around, this band is really pushing the creativity envelope. i love that when i tell someone about these guys and they ask, "who do they sound like?", i can't really give an answer.

now, if you'll allow me to gush...

the whole album is truly astounding. the first half alone would have left me satiated. this three piece's debut, I Am The Fun Blame Monster, had spectacular drumming. hip hop meets electronica pounded out on a drum kit. the piano plinking and lullaby-esque arpeggios shouldn't have meshed, but somehow they did. heavy bass line grooves. processed sound. guitars you have to listen for. saxophone even, occasionally blaring like the horn of an oncoming mack truck. these things shouldn't work together. it should shoot out in a headache inducing mess, but it doesn't. to hear the songs without any one variable would sound lacking in some degree. and thankfully, most of that feel returns and this time out they've added even more density to the compositions.

the opening 4 tracks - "Muscle'n Flo", ""The Pelican", "Wet And Rusting" and "Air Aid" - are all phenomenal. worth the price of admission alone. "The Pelican" throbs with low notes, both on bass and piano, as the beat keeps the head bobbling. its almost trance like. "Wet and Rusting" is probably the most pop oriented song of the lot. textural. energetic. accessible. blips, reversed guitars & beautiful harmonies. things get a little more abstract as the album progresses. i say this as a good thing. "Weird", possibly the golden boy of Friend & Foe, sums up the album in one song. the drumming changes rhythm multiple times without sounding off. the rest of the band just alters to fit. it really showcases the fractured nature of their writing style, overlaying disjointed sounds and riffs, turning puzzle pieces around and around and around until they fit. the production is top notch and listening with headphones reveals something more, something subtly overlooked in every song.

this isn't an album you can hear and walk away from. you need to own it.
the day after i got it, i tossed it in the stereo at work and listened to it on repeat all day long. literally all day. i didn't tire of it. i still haven't.

FEIGNING INTEREST IN FOOTBALL

get out your foam fingers and beer helmets. its super bowl sunday.
later on, millions of americans will be glued to their sets, cheering on their favorite team as they struggle to push, pass, tackle and rush their way to victory. if your favorite team didn't make it to the championships, pick a new one for the day and stick with your guns. if you're not much of a football enthusiast and feel clueless as to how to handle these events, fear not, for i'm here to help.

whether or not the sport is for you, going to a gathering or party tonight and whining about it is just a bad path to travel. no one likes a wet blanket. you may not be interested in football, but you'll likely get some free beer and meat just for being in attendance. so to keep spirits high, its much better to feign interest. get in touch with that masculine, competitive, testosterone-fueled beast within you. you'll have a better time. they'll have a better time. you don't need to know any players, or stats or the teams' performance histories. you simply need to learn a few tricks.

first and foremost, you need to choose a team. either one is fine. today's game pits the bears against the colts. since they are arguably the two best teams in the league this year, you can't choose wrong. you'll need to decide this first and remember your choice. a mid-game flip flop will outcast you in a second. also, try to learn the last name of your teams quarterback. the sportscasters talk about them frequently so this is an easy bit of information to acquire. knowing the names of the star pass receiver and rusher is a big plus too, though not entirely necessary. never refer to any player by their number. its a dead give-away.

next, to show you're "part of the club", slip in a few well timed remarks. watch a few plays when your team has the ball. if they try and run the ball and fail to make much progress, say with a frustrated tone, "they're rushing it? they need to keep their eyes in the back field." if they try to pass the ball but it isn't caught, belt out a "pass interference!". basically, as a rule of thumb, if your team isn't making much movement down the field, be really disappointed, as if they've personally let you down. statements like, "c'mon", "what are you doing?", or "get up, pansy" may be appropriate. and if they are advancing, be overly excited, as if they're playing exactly like you think they should be playing. as if they are finally taking your advice because you know exactly how to win.

listen to your fellow spectators. it helps to know who is routing with you and who is routing against you. establish a camaraderie with your allies. when your team scores, tackles the other team's quarterback, recovers the ball when the other team fumbles, or intercepts the other team's pass, look for a high five. someone will always be ready to hook it up. if the excitement level is high enough, though rare, a chest bump may be in order. be prepared. an extra sweater may not be a bad idea. additionally, feel free to clap at any time during the game. literally whenever. its also important that you talk about your team as if you're on it. use the pronouns "we", "us" and "our". if your team is losing, maintain a borderline cockiness that "we'll" turn it around. if your team is winning, be sure to rub it in the face of anyone cheering against you. just do so with a smile. if you go around hurting feelings, they may try to expose your fraudulent fanhood.

finally, though its rarely watched, feel free to make fun of the half-time show. the half-time shows tend to be something to win viewers not interested in football. unless its a classic rock band, mock the bajesus out of it. if you can't come up with a clever quip, there's always the lip-syncing option. maybe try to tie in a comment about janet jackson's nipple. i think people still remember that.

...and if no one buys into your rouse, at least there are cool commercials.

CLEVER VANDALS

my thoughts on graffiti can go either way. much like my thoughts on art in general. any simpleton with a can a spray paint can scrawl his illegible tag wherever he or she wants. its not about creativity, its about rebellion. for that reason, this sort of thing is usually found in dark places. under bridges or on dumpsters in dark alleys. to be categorized as art, there are requirements. something needs to be expressed. an idea needs to be present. it needs to be about more than breaking the law.

there are two artist really taking advantage of the form:
Banksy and Alexandre Orion.

Banksy (a pseudonym) has been making stenciled graffiti for sometime, mostly in Britain, his native country, but his footprints can be seen in parts of L.A., New York, Palestine, & Mexico as well. his images deal with political, ethical and cultural issues, often doing so with a twist of humor. usually anti-war, anti-capitalist, anti-establishment, pro-freedom. he has gained a bit of notoriety with his many "art stunts". for instance: he has broken into the penguin enclosure at the London zoo and wrote "WE"RE BORED OF FISH" in letters seven feet tall. then, in the elephant pen in the zoo in Bristol, he wrote "I WANT OUT. THIS PLACE IS TOO COLD. KEEPER SMELLS. BORING, BORING, BORING." he's painted 9 images on the Israeli west bank wall separating Israel and Palestine, such as a ladder going up and over and kids digging a hole though it. In 2006, Banksy secretly replaced approximately 500 copies of paris hilton's debut CD in UK record stores with his own version, including new album art and remixes by Danger Mouse. titles such as "why am i famous?", "what have i done?" and "what am i for?". The art depicted paris topless, with a dog's head, and stepping out of a luxury car, edited to include a group of homeless people, which included the caption "90% of success is just showing up". i have a copy of the music. its really only one song, 40 minutes long. a repetitive, simple beat with paris saying "that's hot" every so often. people bought a lot of them. he's also made "subverted" paintings, or re-imaginings of classic works of art. he then covertly added these to walls in the MET, the MoMA, the Tate, and the Brooklyn Museum of fine art without them knowing.

currently, graffiti artist seem to be getting awfully clever. there are a few artists emerging in the street art underground who are making their mark on signs, tunnels and walls. anywhere that's dirty enough. reverse graffiti. instead of adding paint to create their image, they're removing dirt. authorities are confounded as to how to deal with the burgeoning new wave of cleaning vandals. one such artist is Alexandre Orion. he is a brazilian painter and photographer, usually integrating the two. he first creates his image, then photographs the interaction with it and passers-by. the picture is his final goal. it wasn't until recently that he replaced his paint with soap. armed with only a scrub brush, some rags and detergents, he'd clean dirt and soot away from surfaces to create an image. the inspiration was originally the finger inscribed "wash me" on dirty car windows. his biggest and most well known of these was a highway tunnel. there he made a vast mural of skulls spanning the length of one side by wiping away layers of exhaust. police arrived but as he wasn't actually breaking any laws, they couldn't do anything. their response: they dispatched sanitation workers to clean the wall. a victory in his eyes, so Orion returned later to do the other side.

DIMENSION OF MIND

"You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into the Twilight Zone!"

when i was a boy, i loved the twilight zone. it may be why i have a place in my heart for irony. every so often, if i happened to be lucky enough, i'd catch a marathon. it came on a few times a year, on some random channel. 24 hours straight. my dad made me a fan. he and i would try to take in as many as we could. what we missed, we archived. i learned how to operate the VCR thanks to Rod Serling. the opening music put a smile across my cheeks. my little blue eyes grew enormous. i laid across the carpet on my stomach, ready to be shocked and amazed, always trying to figure out how it would end. even if i came close with my guesses, there was always an extra twist i'd never have foreseen. if my mom happened to stumble upon us, she'd always tell us how she'd loved the show as a kid. that when it came on, my grandma would make a plate of saltine crackers with jelly on top for her as a snack as she did what we were doing. sometimes she'd even be so inspired as to go make us crackers with jelly. i'd take raspberry jam on my saltines.

the show really pushed the limits of television. not just in the science fiction elements, but in its thinly veiled social commentary. censors wouldn't allow much in the late 1950's, but in Serling's writing, the big picture was overlooked because it was deemed "fantasy". subjects like nuclear war, mass hysteria and bigotry touched too many nerves to be allowed in a prime time drama, but in the twilight zone, it could slide through the side door. also, women were often cast as smart, quick-thinking, and independent characters. that wasn't something one saw much of in the boob tube those days.

my point?
i've recently come across a marvelous find. comparable to the archaeological king tut digs. there is a website that has a small library of twilight zone episodes. approximately 50 and growing (nearly a third of the total 156 episodes). they're all free for the streaming. each episode is about 25 minutes (though there are some from the fifth and final season, which were hour long shows). all the gems are there. William Shatner, with his best talk-pause-talk as he warns of a gremlin on the wing of the plane. The Eye of The Beholder. Burgess Meredith happy to have some time to read. "I'm Talky Tina, and I'm going to kill you". To Serve Man.

here's a link:

THE TWILIGHT ZONE EPISODES
(type "twilight zone" into the search bar)

Now for my rant on the state of television today.

i was but a glimmer in my mothers eyes when the original twilight zones were being aired, but my generation has seen a steady decline in broadcasting quality since. i think television has been incredibly dumbed down as the years turn over. the technology was still new and exciting in the 50's and 60's. everyone watched it. lots of it. its not as exciting anymore. if you look at programming now, there is very little offered by way of intelligent writing, clever humor or thought provoking ideas. other than PBS, there aren't any non-children's, non-cable shows that provide any real information. its all celebrity worship, fear inducing news, trite sitcoms and "reality" TV.

saturday morning cartoons are painfully bad. its mostly japanese fighting with decks of cards and pokemon. neither of which makes sense to me. actually, there aren't many cartoons left anymore. i happened to catch the saturday morning line-up a few weeks ago. most of the shows were live action sitcoms targeting kids. the worst was they were either about rich kids living in penthouses, vain movie stars' kids or competition. what happened to "and knowing is half the battle"?

game shows ask easy questions. the highest rated game show on TV is currently "deal or no deal". the only beneficial skills for a contestant would be the ability to speak and recognize the numbers 1-30. they may as well roll dice.

MTV doesn't even play music anymore. they don't really have anything to do with music anymore. time for a name change. maybe then a young entrepreneur who actually wants to show videos and music news can turn "music television" into a good thing again.