VANITY CARDS

i was sitting in my living room last week eating dinner and flipping through the channels. i stopped on an episode of a show called Two & A Half Men. it stars Charlie Sheen and another guy who was in a bunch of 80's movies. for the life of me, i couldn't think of his name. he was ducky in Pretty In Pink. he was in Hot Shots, too (probably when he made the Charlie Sheen connection). anyway, it was driving me crazy. whenever i know that i know something and i just can't conjure the answer, i become obsessed. its incredibly frustrating. so i sat there for the last fifteen minutes staring at this guy trying to remember his name.

the credits rolled and his name wasn't listed. the stars of the show must have got their dues at the beginning, but it stuck me then. JON CRYER. then i remembered he was in that movie Hiding Out, where he played a business man testifying against a mobster, then pretending to be a high school student to lay low. as i sat there in a moment of pride, there flashed a still screen filled with words. it was only up for a second or two. strange, thought i.

then, tonight, i happened to come across Two & A Half Men again. the show was actually okay, not laugh out loud funny, but amusing enough. then the credits came flashing by. i waited with remote in hand and when the last still image full of words popped up, i hit freeze frame. this is what it said:

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #112

When I was in the shower this morning, I thought: If we assume a Big Bang beginning of the universe, then every molecule, every atom, every proton, every electron, every quark, every wavelength, every vibration, every multi-dimensional string, every everything that makes up everything else shares an ineffable property of pre-Bang Oneness. Assuming that, then every everything is always moving in one of two directions: either away from that primordial state, or returning towards it. We feel these quantum movements. Moving away is experienced as loneliness, fear, anger and despair. Returning is experienced as one or more of the infinite variations and gradations of what we call love. Now, while some might say that equating the miracle of human feelings to the meandering of sub-atomic bric-a-brac robs them of their mystery, the truth is quite the opposite. Connecting our fundamental experience of life to the great mystery of existence ties us to the eternal within our every waking moment. We are not separate. We are made of the same stuff that existed at the beginning and will exist at the end. Therefore, the question we must each ask ourselves is simple: "In what direction am I moving today - towards oneness, or away from it?" When I was done reflecting on this, I stepped out of the shower, toweled off, and, while glancing at the mirror, pondered a new thought: "I have a pretty nice ass for a guy my age."

honestly, this was better than the show was. the fact that is was #112 made me think there were a lot more of these so i did a little internet research. i discovered that Chuck Lorre runs a production company and creator and/or writer and/or directer of about a half dozen shows over the past 15 or so years. he ends every episode of one of his shows with a "Chuck Lorre Vanity Card". its kind of like a blog post on national television.

here are a few more...

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #108

When Dharma was cancelled my heart was broken. Over the next few years my efforts to mend it by creating a new show led to an even deeper emotional nadir when I noticed that I had somehow become the author of a seemingly endless succession of failed pilots and pilot scripts. This was not a big enough string of stinkers to lower AOL-Time Warner's stock price (that had already been done by people more incompetent than myself), but my ill-advised attempts at heart-mending were sufficient enough to cause people in suits to not look up from their cobb salads when I ambled into the WB commissary (in Hollywood even has-beens amble). But I was indomitable. I kept writing... and failing... and ambling. And then, about a year ago, my good friend and favorite cross-to-bear, Lee Aronsohn, told me he needed to write something fairly quickly in order to keep his Writer's Guild health insurance. Everyone -- friends, agents, execs -- told me not to get involved. They assured me that I was too big, too successful, for such a partnership. You see where this is going. Lee and I wrote "Two and a Half Men." Which brings me to the glaringly obvious spiritual lesson in all this. How do you mend a broken heart? The Bee Gee's never figured it out, but I did. You help a friend keep their health insurance from lapsing.

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #117

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for watching the show. I know that for many of you, particularly those who go to the trouble of reading my vanity cards, a real and continuous effort is being made to support what we're doing. So this is my little attempt at reaching out and saying how truly grateful I am. It's hard to grasp the idea that roughly sixteen million people watch each episode. But, according to the statistics, that is the astonishingly large audience we're getting every week. The fact that much larger audiences turn out to watch derivative, soulless singers being humiliated by a panel of unqualified dildos, or a bunch of pathetic shmucks jumping around like spider monkeys on crank to get a make-believe job with a goofy-haired guy on the brink of bankruptcy, does not lessen my profound gratitude. The fact that a few TV critics, who would probably eat a hole through their loved ones and crawl through if it meant they could get my job, insist on ignoring or denigrating our success, does not diminish my joy. I am a man who knows how to cherish the blessings that have been bestowed on him. And I just wanted to say so.

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #50

I was recently asked by a journalist why I write these vanity cards. It seemed like a simple enough question, but the truth is, I was stumped. Why do I write them? Not for money certainly, although I continue to hold out hope. Is it a creative exercise from which I derive great pleasure? Not really. I've always felt that the act of writing isn't nearly as enjoyable as the feeling that comes from "having written." So why do I do it? Well, after careful consideration I've come to believe that had I been even a moderately successful communicator in my formative years, I would feel little compulsion to communicate now. This leads me to wonder, would it have been appropriate to have told the journalist that I write these vanity cards because I was incapable of expressing myself as a youngster, a situation which caused me unbearable anguish and is only now beginning to dissipate? Maybe. But I didn't. I told him I write them because it's fun. And this leads me to a question: if he's writing about my writing, what kind of miserable childhood did he have?

some are funny, some are insightful, some are personal. there are many more (213 and counting) on this archive.
check it out.

THE MISERY OF JON ARBUCKLE

my elementary school used to have some sort of arrangement with a book seller. once a week, we'd get a pamphlet of books for sale. i think it was called The Weekly Reader. i'm sure the idea was to encourage reading but most kids would spend their parents' money on the babysitters' club, maybe a choose your own adventure book or some mad libs. not exactly mind expanding literature. my investment was in comic strips and for a period of 5th grade, i was mildly amused by Garfield books.

years later, i noticed something that entirely changed the comic in my mind. most of the strips are of Jon Arbuckle and his cat Garfield. Jon speaks to Garfield and he responds. my revelation was that Jon's speaking appears in a speech balloon above his head while Garfield's replies are in thought bubbles. little clouds. while Jon is having this conversation out loud, Garfield is having an inner monologue. to the reader, it's an interactive conversation, but in Jon Arbuckle's reality, he's talking to his silent house cat.

then, some time ago, while wondering if anyone else thought this was weird, i came across a site in which someone removed all of Garfield's thought bubbles. it made the comic as if you were witnessing the comic first hand. a lonely guy having conversations with himself.

i thought of it again today for some reason and tried to find the site. instead, i found something even better. its called GARFIELD MINUS GARFIELD.

instead of just taking out Garfield's thoughts, which Jon can't hear anyway, someone omitted Garfield entirely. without the distraction of the orange cat's presence, you get a clear look at how deep Jon Arbuckle's problems really are. here's a sample...

(click to enlarge)

"Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness in a quiet American suburb."

-from garfieldminusgarfield

there are a lot more here. head over and take a ride on the roller coaster that is the fractured, unstable psyche of Jon Arbuckle.

THE FACE OF VITAMIN WATER

a couple months ago, i helped out with a Vitamin Water advertisement. its shot as a mock movie trailer. Donovan Mcnabb stars in it as a football player. While working out one day, some strange old man appears and trains him to face off against ghosts of football heroes from yesteryear to secure his place in history. i played one of the ghosts.

surprisingly, my transformation from a healthy young man into an undead athletic superstar required only a retro uniform and make-up. a few layers of gauze, latex rubber and make-up covered my entire face and neck. after we were each properly zombie-fied, we climbed into our shoulder pads, leather padded pants, leather helmets, knee high wool socks and long sleeve wool jerseys. by that time, the temperature had risen to 96 degrees. for about 3 hours, i was in all wool and leather with a quarter inch of rubber on my face and neck in the midst of a heatwave. jealous?

it was during this time that i had the most interaction with Donovan. he seemed like a pretty cool guy and fortunately, he also seemed to have a good sense of humor. for instance, i introduced myself with something like, "hi. i'm Tyler, the pinnacle of athletic skill which you'll have to better if you want to be a great football player." he picked up on my sarcasm pretty quickly, laughing at me, not with me.

the website launched today!
grab a vitamin water and take a gander.
(I'M THE GHOST ON THE RIGHT)
www.mcnabbisback.com

PLYMPTOONS

some lovely animated shorts by
Bill Plympton

YOUR FACE

THE KISS


25 WAYS TO QUIT SMOKING

Mr. Plympton has been one of my favorite animators since i first saw his "plymptoons" on Liquid Television, a showcase for new animators that aired late, late, late night on MTV. remarkably, he single handedly draws every cell by hand himself (one of the first animators to tackle such a feat). two of his shorts fetched him oscar nominations (1987's "Your Face" was one of them). i met him years ago while i was in art school. he came and spoke candidly about his life and work as an animator. he's a really nice guy with an imagination i envy.

here is his website if you want to know more:
The Official Bill Plympton Website

DIMENSION OF MIND

"You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into the Twilight Zone!"

when i was a boy, i loved the twilight zone. it may be why i have a place in my heart for irony. every so often, if i happened to be lucky enough, i'd catch a marathon. it came on a few times a year, on some random channel. 24 hours straight. my dad made me a fan. he and i would try to take in as many as we could. what we missed, we archived. i learned how to operate the VCR thanks to Rod Serling. the opening music put a smile across my cheeks. my little blue eyes grew enormous. i laid across the carpet on my stomach, ready to be shocked and amazed, always trying to figure out how it would end. even if i came close with my guesses, there was always an extra twist i'd never have foreseen. if my mom happened to stumble upon us, she'd always tell us how she'd loved the show as a kid. that when it came on, my grandma would make a plate of saltine crackers with jelly on top for her as a snack as she did what we were doing. sometimes she'd even be so inspired as to go make us crackers with jelly. i'd take raspberry jam on my saltines.

the show really pushed the limits of television. not just in the science fiction elements, but in its thinly veiled social commentary. censors wouldn't allow much in the late 1950's, but in Serling's writing, the big picture was overlooked because it was deemed "fantasy". subjects like nuclear war, mass hysteria and bigotry touched too many nerves to be allowed in a prime time drama, but in the twilight zone, it could slide through the side door. also, women were often cast as smart, quick-thinking, and independent characters. that wasn't something one saw much of in the boob tube those days.

my point?
i've recently come across a marvelous find. comparable to the archaeological king tut digs. there is a website that has a small library of twilight zone episodes. approximately 50 and growing (nearly a third of the total 156 episodes). they're all free for the streaming. each episode is about 25 minutes (though there are some from the fifth and final season, which were hour long shows). all the gems are there. William Shatner, with his best talk-pause-talk as he warns of a gremlin on the wing of the plane. The Eye of The Beholder. Burgess Meredith happy to have some time to read. "I'm Talky Tina, and I'm going to kill you". To Serve Man.

here's a link:

THE TWILIGHT ZONE EPISODES
(type "twilight zone" into the search bar)

Now for my rant on the state of television today.

i was but a glimmer in my mothers eyes when the original twilight zones were being aired, but my generation has seen a steady decline in broadcasting quality since. i think television has been incredibly dumbed down as the years turn over. the technology was still new and exciting in the 50's and 60's. everyone watched it. lots of it. its not as exciting anymore. if you look at programming now, there is very little offered by way of intelligent writing, clever humor or thought provoking ideas. other than PBS, there aren't any non-children's, non-cable shows that provide any real information. its all celebrity worship, fear inducing news, trite sitcoms and "reality" TV.

saturday morning cartoons are painfully bad. its mostly japanese fighting with decks of cards and pokemon. neither of which makes sense to me. actually, there aren't many cartoons left anymore. i happened to catch the saturday morning line-up a few weeks ago. most of the shows were live action sitcoms targeting kids. the worst was they were either about rich kids living in penthouses, vain movie stars' kids or competition. what happened to "and knowing is half the battle"?

game shows ask easy questions. the highest rated game show on TV is currently "deal or no deal". the only beneficial skills for a contestant would be the ability to speak and recognize the numbers 1-30. they may as well roll dice.

MTV doesn't even play music anymore. they don't really have anything to do with music anymore. time for a name change. maybe then a young entrepreneur who actually wants to show videos and music news can turn "music television" into a good thing again.