POLITICALLY CORRECT CANDY

about a week ago, i was watching a late night re-run of Seinfeld. George and Jerry were sitting in the coffee shop trying to figure out what the deal is with something or other. i wasn't really paying attention because on the counter in the background was a box of Cherry Clans.

i haven't seen Cherry Clans since i was a boy. back when i used to shop at the 5 & 10 for penny candy, pop rocks and candy cigarettes. on occasion, i'd splurge on a box of Cherry Clans to satisfy my sugar fix. sweet and sour, hard and soft, all in one. little round cherry flavored deliciousness to aid in ridding my mouth of all the unwanted baby teeth, once and for all.

in those days, i had no idea how offensive it was. in reality, i failed to understand the meaning behind the confusing name, the derogatory cartoons on the box or the asian inspired font of choice. i never thought twice about the confusing name. things didn't have to make sense when i was 8. it wasn't until seeing them in the distant set design of a sitcom did it suddenly occur to me that it was a play on Charlie Chan. i immediately sent my team of top notch researchers to investigate.

it turns out Cherry Clans were made by the Ferrara-Pan Confection Co.. Ferrara being the founder, pan being his preferred cooking utensil. the same Ferrara-Pan Confections Co. who brought you the Lemonhead, the Jawbreaker and the Atomic Fireball. originally, Cherry Clans were in fact called Cherry Chans. no beating around the bush.

i don't know if threats of anti-defamation litigation got the ball of change rolling, but the name was altered from "chan" to "clan". not too long afterward, the cartoons changed to less enthnically specific caricatures. then, finally, maybe sometime in the mid to late 1990's, the company did a total overhaul of its branding. virtually all of their fruit flavored candies hopped onto Lemonhead's back, freeloading on his (yes, Lemonheads have a gender) success. Cherry Clans are now Cherryheads.

i guess ancient greek warriors found the Alexander The Grape candy equally distasteful. they're sensitive about their humongous feet and indigo complexions, i suppose. i, for one, will miss the mohawk helmet with build in sideburn shields.

it seems good 'ole Johnny Appletreat has hung up his sauce pan hat and closeted his neon green coveralls for keeps. apple growers of america really must have caused a ruckus over Ferrara's insinuation of their misuse of cookware and the slandering of agricultural heroes.

while i understand the need to change the Cherry Clans, did the rest of the treats need equal reprimand. seriously. there were definitely a few times when i bought Alexander The Grapes over Lemonheads purely because i thought i'd look cooler with them in my shirt pocket. he was a conqueror after all. a legendary king, an american pioneer, and a crime solving detective. now they're just generic, bow tied bubble headed nerds. the unique intrigue of yesteryear has turned to unbridled confectionary conformity.

a side note to concerned parents looking out for the welfare of their offspring: the candy's image has changed. they are all now virtually indistinguishable to the color blind. no one's feeling will be hurt... but the candy now comes in almost twice the size with almost twice the candy. while your outrage has successfully shielded your children from the harsh atrocities of human nature, its of little defense against their future diabetes.

touché, Mr. Ferrara.
touché.

MANNEQUIN NIPPLES

for years now, i've noticed a change in the molded plastic bodies that flaunt the fashions in store front windows. at some point, someone, somewhere, decided mannequins needed more anatomical accuracy. enter the hardened nipples.

clothing retailers want you to know that no matter what you wear, you're going to be chilly. halter top. baby tee. mohair sweater. any way you look at it, you're nipples are going to be freezing. there's no way around it. hiding this fact with nipple less mannequins is unfair to the me, its unfair to you, and honestly, its unfair to our nation's children.

they must have also realized that people, especially slender, well proportioned women with extremely even complexions, are perpetually sexually aroused. "...but how will my nipples look in this shirt?" is a question that need never be awkwardly asked again.

these mannequins also alter the tops for comfort. nothing is worse than buying a new shirt that fits perfectly with soft nipples, only to tighten unbearably once the temperature drops. fortunately, that embarrassing predicament is a thing of the past. fashions have all been pre-stretched in the whole areola region. this provides both added nipple support and a comfy, worn in feel. like an old pair of shoes with that horrible "breaking in" period.

now if only male mannequins were more anatomically correct, i could cut the time i spend purchasing pants in half.

THE FACE OF VITAMIN WATER

a couple months ago, i helped out with a Vitamin Water advertisement. its shot as a mock movie trailer. Donovan Mcnabb stars in it as a football player. While working out one day, some strange old man appears and trains him to face off against ghosts of football heroes from yesteryear to secure his place in history. i played one of the ghosts.

surprisingly, my transformation from a healthy young man into an undead athletic superstar required only a retro uniform and make-up. a few layers of gauze, latex rubber and make-up covered my entire face and neck. after we were each properly zombie-fied, we climbed into our shoulder pads, leather padded pants, leather helmets, knee high wool socks and long sleeve wool jerseys. by that time, the temperature had risen to 96 degrees. for about 3 hours, i was in all wool and leather with a quarter inch of rubber on my face and neck in the midst of a heatwave. jealous?

it was during this time that i had the most interaction with Donovan. he seemed like a pretty cool guy and fortunately, he also seemed to have a good sense of humor. for instance, i introduced myself with something like, "hi. i'm Tyler, the pinnacle of athletic skill which you'll have to better if you want to be a great football player." he picked up on my sarcasm pretty quickly, laughing at me, not with me.

the website launched today!
grab a vitamin water and take a gander.
(I'M THE GHOST ON THE RIGHT)
www.mcnabbisback.com