THE FACE OF VITAMIN WATER

a couple months ago, i helped out with a Vitamin Water advertisement. its shot as a mock movie trailer. Donovan Mcnabb stars in it as a football player. While working out one day, some strange old man appears and trains him to face off against ghosts of football heroes from yesteryear to secure his place in history. i played one of the ghosts.

surprisingly, my transformation from a healthy young man into an undead athletic superstar required only a retro uniform and make-up. a few layers of gauze, latex rubber and make-up covered my entire face and neck. after we were each properly zombie-fied, we climbed into our shoulder pads, leather padded pants, leather helmets, knee high wool socks and long sleeve wool jerseys. by that time, the temperature had risen to 96 degrees. for about 3 hours, i was in all wool and leather with a quarter inch of rubber on my face and neck in the midst of a heatwave. jealous?

it was during this time that i had the most interaction with Donovan. he seemed like a pretty cool guy and fortunately, he also seemed to have a good sense of humor. for instance, i introduced myself with something like, "hi. i'm Tyler, the pinnacle of athletic skill which you'll have to better if you want to be a great football player." he picked up on my sarcasm pretty quickly, laughing at me, not with me.

the website launched today!
grab a vitamin water and take a gander.
(I'M THE GHOST ON THE RIGHT)
www.mcnabbisback.com

FANTASY FOOTBALL

my friend recently sent me an invitation to participate in his fantasy football league for the upcoming season. i'm not really that much of a sports fan. i know enough to get by in a bar room conversation, but that's about the limit of it. i've never done this "fantasy football" thing that all the kids are raving about, but i think i'm ready for it. i've already begun formulating the perfect fantasy team in my mind. i hope i can get all my picks in the draft.

QUARTERBACK - Clark Kent. i'm hoping that the nerdy first impression that this little go-getter puts out keeps him under the radar of my competitors. the kid's got moxy, i tells ya. i've seen him throw a 47 mile hail mary like it was a carnival bean bag toss.

RUNNING BACKS - King Kong & Moses. i feel pretty secure that a 30 ton gorilla will be able to rush his way down field without to much impediment. in the event of an injury, i can still count on Moses. he lacks brute strength and youth, but his sea parting skills might give him an advantage in finding the hole in the defense. plus, that beard could garner our franchise a multi-million dollar endorsement from gillette.

WIDE RECEIVERS - Dr. Octopus & Speedy Gonzalez. i need receives who can excel in two ways, ball handling and speed. Doc Oc is a huge target for any passer and a great multi-tasker. he can move, block, catch, talk on the phone, play a clarinet and dole out high fives, all at the same time. Speedy Gonzalez can hustle into the end zone on every play, so long as i can sneak him over the border and establish a new identity.

TIGHT END - Inspector Gadget. i want this position filled with a jack of all trades, if you will. need a blocker? go, go gadget steam rollers legs. need a pass reception? go, go gadget fishing net hands. need a pocket opened up? go, go gadget helicopter blade head. gadget gets things done. no nonsense.

THE DEFENSIVE TEAM - "The Fridge" Perry & a herd of disgruntled unicorns. i'm not talking about the real William "The Refrigerator" Perry. i'm referring to the fictional G.I. Joe version of The Fridge. he carried a big steel pole with a cinder block mounted on the end. once the opposition sees i've combined his unquestioning blood lust with weaponized horses of magic, their quarterback will be quivering in his reebok pumps.

KICKER - Kathy Ireland. she's just really foxy and drafting her onto my team would make for a nice icebreaker. she did well enough in Necessary Roughness, i guess. it's just kicking a ball.

ATHLETIC PROWESS

i don't like to brag, but i'm a bit of an athlete.

i am a tee-ball all star. give me a stationary baseball and a shortened aluminum bat and back up. i can knock the hardball past second base, no problem. where i really shine is in my ability to run a straight line and stop abruptly on a base. in the field, i can pull a fly ball into my glove 50% of the time.

i briefly entertained the idea of taking my sledding skills to the next level. many of my peers believed i had the goods to go professional, and it was a hard case to fight. on a runner sled, i could bob and weave through the woods like a bunny rabbit on meth and rarely knocked myself out as a result of a tree trunk collision. on a tube or a disc, the men are separated from the boys by measure of grip strength. i don't let go. brick wall, 6 ft. drop off, creek. my fists stay clenched until i come to a full an complete stop. off the sled, i can pack and ice up a jump like nobody's business.

my wrist bones are perfectly crafted for volleyball. my fingertips are like gentle canons. i can also look upwards with ease and do so repeatedly. bumping. setting. spiking. whatever you need, i'm your man. my rag tag high school intra-mural volleyball team placed second, losing only one game in overtime points to a team of varsity volleyball players. i suspect we were robbed, but as there weren't mandatory drug tests at the time, i couldn't prove anything.

ping pong? forget about it. i'll confess to having an up and down record, but when i get hot, i'm like a frickin' laser beam. my trademark serve, the whiplash, defied physics. additionally, due to my left handedness, i make for an excellent doubles partner.

one year in high school, i won the shuffle board championship. there wasn't a trophy to put on the mantle. no ribbon to pin on. the reward was purely bragging rights. where i come from, when conflict arose, we took it to the shuffle board court. there, i am a titan.

i am a gladiator in the coliseum of bar room games. i can contort my hand into a nearly perfect bridge on the pool table. i can beat most billiards loud-mouths and tavern regulars, and if i don't at first, i possess the athletic patience to wait until they get really drunk before challenging a rematch. in the spotlighted glow of the dart board, you'll find me hitting within the big circle 9 times out of 10. sometimes, i even hit the bulls eye. some say it can't be done. give me an hour and i'll prove you wrong.

FEIGNING INTEREST IN FOOTBALL

get out your foam fingers and beer helmets. its super bowl sunday.
later on, millions of americans will be glued to their sets, cheering on their favorite team as they struggle to push, pass, tackle and rush their way to victory. if your favorite team didn't make it to the championships, pick a new one for the day and stick with your guns. if you're not much of a football enthusiast and feel clueless as to how to handle these events, fear not, for i'm here to help.

whether or not the sport is for you, going to a gathering or party tonight and whining about it is just a bad path to travel. no one likes a wet blanket. you may not be interested in football, but you'll likely get some free beer and meat just for being in attendance. so to keep spirits high, its much better to feign interest. get in touch with that masculine, competitive, testosterone-fueled beast within you. you'll have a better time. they'll have a better time. you don't need to know any players, or stats or the teams' performance histories. you simply need to learn a few tricks.

first and foremost, you need to choose a team. either one is fine. today's game pits the bears against the colts. since they are arguably the two best teams in the league this year, you can't choose wrong. you'll need to decide this first and remember your choice. a mid-game flip flop will outcast you in a second. also, try to learn the last name of your teams quarterback. the sportscasters talk about them frequently so this is an easy bit of information to acquire. knowing the names of the star pass receiver and rusher is a big plus too, though not entirely necessary. never refer to any player by their number. its a dead give-away.

next, to show you're "part of the club", slip in a few well timed remarks. watch a few plays when your team has the ball. if they try and run the ball and fail to make much progress, say with a frustrated tone, "they're rushing it? they need to keep their eyes in the back field." if they try to pass the ball but it isn't caught, belt out a "pass interference!". basically, as a rule of thumb, if your team isn't making much movement down the field, be really disappointed, as if they've personally let you down. statements like, "c'mon", "what are you doing?", or "get up, pansy" may be appropriate. and if they are advancing, be overly excited, as if they're playing exactly like you think they should be playing. as if they are finally taking your advice because you know exactly how to win.

listen to your fellow spectators. it helps to know who is routing with you and who is routing against you. establish a camaraderie with your allies. when your team scores, tackles the other team's quarterback, recovers the ball when the other team fumbles, or intercepts the other team's pass, look for a high five. someone will always be ready to hook it up. if the excitement level is high enough, though rare, a chest bump may be in order. be prepared. an extra sweater may not be a bad idea. additionally, feel free to clap at any time during the game. literally whenever. its also important that you talk about your team as if you're on it. use the pronouns "we", "us" and "our". if your team is losing, maintain a borderline cockiness that "we'll" turn it around. if your team is winning, be sure to rub it in the face of anyone cheering against you. just do so with a smile. if you go around hurting feelings, they may try to expose your fraudulent fanhood.

finally, though its rarely watched, feel free to make fun of the half-time show. the half-time shows tend to be something to win viewers not interested in football. unless its a classic rock band, mock the bajesus out of it. if you can't come up with a clever quip, there's always the lip-syncing option. maybe try to tie in a comment about janet jackson's nipple. i think people still remember that.

...and if no one buys into your rouse, at least there are cool commercials.