Sunday, February 4, 2007

FEIGNING INTEREST IN FOOTBALL

get out your foam fingers and beer helmets. its super bowl sunday.
later on, millions of americans will be glued to their sets, cheering on their favorite team as they struggle to push, pass, tackle and rush their way to victory. if your favorite team didn't make it to the championships, pick a new one for the day and stick with your guns. if you're not much of a football enthusiast and feel clueless as to how to handle these events, fear not, for i'm here to help.

whether or not the sport is for you, going to a gathering or party tonight and whining about it is just a bad path to travel. no one likes a wet blanket. you may not be interested in football, but you'll likely get some free beer and meat just for being in attendance. so to keep spirits high, its much better to feign interest. get in touch with that masculine, competitive, testosterone-fueled beast within you. you'll have a better time. they'll have a better time. you don't need to know any players, or stats or the teams' performance histories. you simply need to learn a few tricks.

first and foremost, you need to choose a team. either one is fine. today's game pits the bears against the colts. since they are arguably the two best teams in the league this year, you can't choose wrong. you'll need to decide this first and remember your choice. a mid-game flip flop will outcast you in a second. also, try to learn the last name of your teams quarterback. the sportscasters talk about them frequently so this is an easy bit of information to acquire. knowing the names of the star pass receiver and rusher is a big plus too, though not entirely necessary. never refer to any player by their number. its a dead give-away.

next, to show you're "part of the club", slip in a few well timed remarks. watch a few plays when your team has the ball. if they try and run the ball and fail to make much progress, say with a frustrated tone, "they're rushing it? they need to keep their eyes in the back field." if they try to pass the ball but it isn't caught, belt out a "pass interference!". basically, as a rule of thumb, if your team isn't making much movement down the field, be really disappointed, as if they've personally let you down. statements like, "c'mon", "what are you doing?", or "get up, pansy" may be appropriate. and if they are advancing, be overly excited, as if they're playing exactly like you think they should be playing. as if they are finally taking your advice because you know exactly how to win.

listen to your fellow spectators. it helps to know who is routing with you and who is routing against you. establish a camaraderie with your allies. when your team scores, tackles the other team's quarterback, recovers the ball when the other team fumbles, or intercepts the other team's pass, look for a high five. someone will always be ready to hook it up. if the excitement level is high enough, though rare, a chest bump may be in order. be prepared. an extra sweater may not be a bad idea. additionally, feel free to clap at any time during the game. literally whenever. its also important that you talk about your team as if you're on it. use the pronouns "we", "us" and "our". if your team is losing, maintain a borderline cockiness that "we'll" turn it around. if your team is winning, be sure to rub it in the face of anyone cheering against you. just do so with a smile. if you go around hurting feelings, they may try to expose your fraudulent fanhood.

finally, though its rarely watched, feel free to make fun of the half-time show. the half-time shows tend to be something to win viewers not interested in football. unless its a classic rock band, mock the bajesus out of it. if you can't come up with a clever quip, there's always the lip-syncing option. maybe try to tie in a comment about janet jackson's nipple. i think people still remember that.

...and if no one buys into your rouse, at least there are cool commercials.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Matt Preston told me today that I should say that I was for the Colts and that Payton was my man. Not to you, but to anyone that asked. M.K.

rebecca said...

oh my god, this is hysterical! this is the type of writing that i've always had trouble with (yeah, tried journalism, no good) and have so much difficulty producing. jeez tyler, you are way too talented. makes me sick. really.