Monday, February 19, 2007


Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you.
(i just wear camo from head to toe. its easier on the wallet)

The liquid in baby coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
(all the pacifist vampires move to Hawaii)

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
(i suspected that after years and years of being called jackasses, it was only a matter of time before we felt their vengeance)

A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
(in yo face, orville and wilbur!)

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
(most of that dead skin comes from donkey related homicides)

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
(tribute to my mom)

There is no single word given to describe the back of the knee.
(too bad bacne is already taken)

A 'Jiffy' is actually a unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
(jiffy lube should change its name to 180,000 Jiffies Lube)

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.
(there's always room for J-E-L-L-Ew)

The earth is moving l8.5 miles a second.
(i can run over a thousand miles and hour. impressed?)

Polar bears are left handed.
(biologist noticed them using green handled scissors)

The youngest pope was 11 years old.
(his famous quote: "The devil is a poop face")

Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving.
(they called it pop-mais)

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition.
(the hemp farmers napped through the town hall meeting)

Pound for pound, hamburgers can cost more than a new car.
(Wendy's now offers financing with 0 down, 0 payments for 12 months!)

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
(they required less equipment and sold a lot better then the short lived "Hershey's Gang Bangs")

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
(at least your corpse will smell like Christmas)

The fingerprints of koala bears & humans are virtually indistinguishable.
(O.J has a new "koala theory")

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
(last week a peanut butter and jelly sandwich blew my jaw off)

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.
(154 of which are about baklava and gyros)

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
(most of the letters in curses are on that side)

There are more chickens than people in the world.
(lets hope they don't team up with the donkeys)

Most of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
(how mysterious? what could it mean?)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.
(there's a nut in every family)

Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.
(his civil unions were only recognized in the land of make believe)

It is impossible to lick your elbow.
(i think i could lick your elbow)

A crocodile can't stick out its tongue.
(they just give you the finger)

100% of all lottery winners gain weight.
(especially when take their winnings in "rolls of pennies" form)

A kiss stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation.
(yeah for dopamine!)


Anonymous said...

You've sunk to a new low..... Are you running out of thoughts? M.K.

Tim Engelhardt said...

I fear that the slow demise of the left-paw? dominate Polar Bears could be a warning for all left handed creatures. What if we are next? We must act now and unionize to insure the future of our order!!!