Tuesday, February 27, 2007

ATHLETIC PROWESS

i don't like to brag, but i'm a bit of an athlete.

i am a tee-ball all star. give me a stationary baseball and a shortened aluminum bat and back up. i can knock the hardball past second base, no problem. where i really shine is in my ability to run a straight line and stop abruptly on a base. in the field, i can pull a fly ball into my glove 50% of the time.

i briefly entertained the idea of taking my sledding skills to the next level. many of my peers believed i had the goods to go professional, and it was a hard case to fight. on a runner sled, i could bob and weave through the woods like a bunny rabbit on meth and rarely knocked myself out as a result of a tree trunk collision. on a tube or a disc, the men are separated from the boys by measure of grip strength. i don't let go. brick wall, 6 ft. drop off, creek. my fists stay clenched until i come to a full an complete stop. off the sled, i can pack and ice up a jump like nobody's business.

my wrist bones are perfectly crafted for volleyball. my fingertips are like gentle canons. i can also look upwards with ease and do so repeatedly. bumping. setting. spiking. whatever you need, i'm your man. my rag tag high school intra-mural volleyball team placed second, losing only one game in overtime points to a team of varsity volleyball players. i suspect we were robbed, but as there weren't mandatory drug tests at the time, i couldn't prove anything.

ping pong? forget about it. i'll confess to having an up and down record, but when i get hot, i'm like a frickin' laser beam. my trademark serve, the whiplash, defied physics. additionally, due to my left handedness, i make for an excellent doubles partner.

one year in high school, i won the shuffle board championship. there wasn't a trophy to put on the mantle. no ribbon to pin on. the reward was purely bragging rights. where i come from, when conflict arose, we took it to the shuffle board court. there, i am a titan.

i am a gladiator in the coliseum of bar room games. i can contort my hand into a nearly perfect bridge on the pool table. i can beat most billiards loud-mouths and tavern regulars, and if i don't at first, i possess the athletic patience to wait until they get really drunk before challenging a rematch. in the spotlighted glow of the dart board, you'll find me hitting within the big circle 9 times out of 10. sometimes, i even hit the bulls eye. some say it can't be done. give me an hour and i'll prove you wrong.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

And I'm Captain Kangaroo. But I'm still reading!

Was too scarry to go out Sunday. They are meeting at Molitere's ( killed the spelling, I'm sure ) in Lansdale on Wed. night instead. I will not be going, but thought I'd let you know. Can't remember if you worked with those guys. M.K. aka, anonymous

Tim E said...

I recall great skill demonstrated on the kickball field as well. Always a first pick!