Tuesday, February 27, 2007


i don't like to brag, but i'm a bit of an athlete.

i am a tee-ball all star. give me a stationary baseball and a shortened aluminum bat and back up. i can knock the hardball past second base, no problem. where i really shine is in my ability to run a straight line and stop abruptly on a base. in the field, i can pull a fly ball into my glove 50% of the time.

i briefly entertained the idea of taking my sledding skills to the next level. many of my peers believed i had the goods to go professional, and it was a hard case to fight. on a runner sled, i could bob and weave through the woods like a bunny rabbit on meth and rarely knocked myself out as a result of a tree trunk collision. on a tube or a disc, the men are separated from the boys by measure of grip strength. i don't let go. brick wall, 6 ft. drop off, creek. my fists stay clenched until i come to a full an complete stop. off the sled, i can pack and ice up a jump like nobody's business.

my wrist bones are perfectly crafted for volleyball. my fingertips are like gentle canons. i can also look upwards with ease and do so repeatedly. bumping. setting. spiking. whatever you need, i'm your man. my rag tag high school intra-mural volleyball team placed second, losing only one game in overtime points to a team of varsity volleyball players. i suspect we were robbed, but as there weren't mandatory drug tests at the time, i couldn't prove anything.

ping pong? forget about it. i'll confess to having an up and down record, but when i get hot, i'm like a frickin' laser beam. my trademark serve, the whiplash, defied physics. additionally, due to my left handedness, i make for an excellent doubles partner.

one year in high school, i won the shuffle board championship. there wasn't a trophy to put on the mantle. no ribbon to pin on. the reward was purely bragging rights. where i come from, when conflict arose, we took it to the shuffle board court. there, i am a titan.

i am a gladiator in the coliseum of bar room games. i can contort my hand into a nearly perfect bridge on the pool table. i can beat most billiards loud-mouths and tavern regulars, and if i don't at first, i possess the athletic patience to wait until they get really drunk before challenging a rematch. in the spotlighted glow of the dart board, you'll find me hitting within the big circle 9 times out of 10. sometimes, i even hit the bulls eye. some say it can't be done. give me an hour and i'll prove you wrong.


Anonymous said...

And I'm Captain Kangaroo. But I'm still reading!

Was too scarry to go out Sunday. They are meeting at Molitere's ( killed the spelling, I'm sure ) in Lansdale on Wed. night instead. I will not be going, but thought I'd let you know. Can't remember if you worked with those guys. M.K. aka, anonymous

Tim E said...

I recall great skill demonstrated on the kickball field as well. Always a first pick!