FANTASY FOOTBALL

my friend recently sent me an invitation to participate in his fantasy football league for the upcoming season. i'm not really that much of a sports fan. i know enough to get by in a bar room conversation, but that's about the limit of it. i've never done this "fantasy football" thing that all the kids are raving about, but i think i'm ready for it. i've already begun formulating the perfect fantasy team in my mind. i hope i can get all my picks in the draft.

QUARTERBACK - Clark Kent. i'm hoping that the nerdy first impression that this little go-getter puts out keeps him under the radar of my competitors. the kid's got moxy, i tells ya. i've seen him throw a 47 mile hail mary like it was a carnival bean bag toss.

RUNNING BACKS - King Kong & Moses. i feel pretty secure that a 30 ton gorilla will be able to rush his way down field without to much impediment. in the event of an injury, i can still count on Moses. he lacks brute strength and youth, but his sea parting skills might give him an advantage in finding the hole in the defense. plus, that beard could garner our franchise a multi-million dollar endorsement from gillette.

WIDE RECEIVERS - Dr. Octopus & Speedy Gonzalez. i need receives who can excel in two ways, ball handling and speed. Doc Oc is a huge target for any passer and a great multi-tasker. he can move, block, catch, talk on the phone, play a clarinet and dole out high fives, all at the same time. Speedy Gonzalez can hustle into the end zone on every play, so long as i can sneak him over the border and establish a new identity.

TIGHT END - Inspector Gadget. i want this position filled with a jack of all trades, if you will. need a blocker? go, go gadget steam rollers legs. need a pass reception? go, go gadget fishing net hands. need a pocket opened up? go, go gadget helicopter blade head. gadget gets things done. no nonsense.

THE DEFENSIVE TEAM - "The Fridge" Perry & a herd of disgruntled unicorns. i'm not talking about the real William "The Refrigerator" Perry. i'm referring to the fictional G.I. Joe version of The Fridge. he carried a big steel pole with a cinder block mounted on the end. once the opposition sees i've combined his unquestioning blood lust with weaponized horses of magic, their quarterback will be quivering in his reebok pumps.

KICKER - Kathy Ireland. she's just really foxy and drafting her onto my team would make for a nice icebreaker. she did well enough in Necessary Roughness, i guess. it's just kicking a ball.