THE INK DIET

"hello!"

"i'm dr. tyler. i've recently developed a new weight loss plan that people are talking about nationwide! excited? well, you should be! it has been hollywood's best kept secret...until now! so sit back, get comfortable and prepare yourself for..."

"The Ink Diet!"

"someone great probably once said 'the great achievements require only great motivation.' hell, sounds pretty profound, right? some of the biggest success stories in history were brought upon by some driving force. desperation. fighting for a better life. easing hardship. recovering from poverty. the simple struggle to survive. and the stronger the motivation, the better the result."

"not so long ago, while sitting pool side by the solarium of my plush estate one sunny afternoon, i got to thinking. then, suddenly, it struck me like an uppercut from the mighty hercules himself! i quickly assembled all the scientists i knew. now, with nearly 5 hours of restless work concluded, i'm ready to share my results with the public! we've devised a new diet plan based off of this motivational principle. i've titled it..."

"The Ink Diet!"

"obesity in america has become a enormous problem (pun intended). every year it seems to be worse then its predessessor. everyone knows how to lose weight. intake less calories then you burn and exercise more. simple, right? or is it? the problem lies in the drive. who's with me on that one? alright, let's hear it! you folks in the back know what i'm talking about!!"

"...but right now, i'm prepared to propose an exclusive offer brought to you with the help of McDonald's, makers of the succulent, mouth watering, all beef Big Mac. make it Mac tonight! this is a limited time offer, so rush to that phone! you'll need to act fast! for just 16 simple payments of $29.95, i'll provide the drive for you. that's right! motivate yourself no longer!!!"

"...and it couldn't be easier. here's my patented Ink Diet (in 3 easy steps)*:

• choose a design from a catalog (included in the package!!!)**
• using a photo of your bare abdomen and advanced computer technology, i'll create a digital 3-D model of your belly as it would appear at your goal weight. i'll then place the design in the 'target zone'. with the help of space age technology, i'll animate this slender version of you into the hefty body you now occupy, all the while, distorting your hand picked design with the changing form as though it were a part of your ACTUAL SKIN. then, i'll arrange for my skilled team to permanently tattoo the newly deformed artwork on your stomach.
• motivated by the urge to show off your new ink, yet embarassed by its seemingly poor execution, you'll swiftly muster the self discipline you need to shed those unwanted pounds.

"don't just take my word for it. see the results for yourself!"

Christina A.
BEFORE AND AFTER

Gwyneth P.
BEFORE AND AFTER

"it couldn't be easier. in virtually no time, you'll quickly receive our tattoo design catalog***. simply make your choice and then watch that cellulite fall off."

YOU CHOOSE IT, THEN YOU LOSE IT!!!

YOU'LL BE LOOKING YOUR BEST AND YOU'LL BE HIP TO BOOT, OR YOUR MONEY BACK!****

*(plan not legally patented)
**(catalog sold separately)
***(catalog shipped after receipt of all payments. allow additional 6-8 weeks shipping)
****(not a guarantee. no refunds will be granted)

HANDLED WITH CARE

while mountain biking last night with my friend, we were passed by another cyclist wearing a helmet. in fact, a large portion of the other riders i saw were wearing helmets. this sparked a discussion as we rolled along the trail.

when i was growing up, i never wore a helmet, or pads, or any real safety prevention devices of any kind. no one i knew did. i also played outside constantly. i ran with sharp sticks. i threw rocks. i rolled down hills in garbage cans. i ate gross stuff. i rode in the back of my dad's truck. i repeatedly jumped off of the roof of our 3 story house into a bush for fun. i surfed down our staircase on a sleeping bag. i never wore a seat belt. all my friend's did the same sort of things. i'm not saying no one got hurt. actually, at one point or another, we all sustained injuries. a few scrapes here, a cut there. an occasional broken arm or leg. no brain damage or eyeballs got poked out, though, and we all survived our childhoods without any major permanent physical damage.

the children of today are treated as though they are made of eggshells. any kid exerting themselves more then a slow walk is swaddled in foam and plastic and rubber. it seems to be the social norm now to take every possible precaution to prevent even the smallest and unlikely injury from occurring. coddled and protected from any threat imaginable. there are always exceptions to the rules and not everyone falls into this category, but it does appear to be the trend of the times.

its not as though kids are more wreckless or doing crazier things. actually, from what i've seen, children hardly play outside at all anymore. most of them are glued to the television with its 500 channels. they hammer and mash buttons on video game controllers. they 'chat' for hours on instant messengers. pale, overweight kids with stunted social skill development. there's little time for interaction while locked away staring at a computer monitor or television set during all free waking hours. instead, they chat and email and myspace away. technology has created new avenues of communication for the tech savvy, indoor-ridden, modern youth. they've no use for personal connections or physical interaction. everyone is connected, but disconnected at the same time.

i think there's a link between it all. psychologists say most of our personality, who we are as people as we transform into functional adults, is a result of our early lives. our formative years. whether conscious of why we made the choices we make or not, most of it can be traced back to our adolescence. we took risks as children, well aware of the possibility of injury, yet we did it just the same. if any of us came home with blood trickling from a knee, a goose bump on a forehead, or even a fractured wrist, our parents usually just wagged a finger with an "oh, you kids" expression and warned us to be more careful next time. we were taught to be responsible for ourselves. even if it was "little johnny" who pushed me off my skateboard, i was partially to blame for my horse play. no lawsuits were filed. not against "mr. and mrs. little johnny". not against the manufacturers of the skateboard. then, after getting fixed with some bactine or a cast or a ziploc bag of ice, we were sent back out. we learned to take risks and be brave enough to face a little pain. like a baby bird being tossed from the nest. fly or fall. without the repercussions of the failure, the success isn't nearly as sweet.

we learned how to play fair. we learned how to take our friend's feeling into consideration. we grew deep friendships with our peers and their families. we had real relationships with adults.

i'm wondering what the kids of today will grow into. children with a one sided punishment/reward learning structure, shielded from the negative results of their actions. the over-protective nature of both parents and society in general can't be all good. will 20 more years bring adults with a core fear of danger and a constant sense of their own fragility? maybe. will the adults of tomorrow have little to no inner connection or empathy with your fellow man? perhaps. i'm a little nervous as to how a generation of kids grown in virtual isolation will lead the world.

maybe i'm being overly critical or just looking too far into the face of it. it just makes me wonder.

GRATUITOUS THANK YOU'S

small acts of kindness get overlooked all the time. holding a door open for a stranger. giving the right of way on the open road. sacrificing a seat on a crowded train. even if the act wasn't warranted or even necessary, it should be acknowledged with appreciation. too often, too many people habitually refuse to say a simple "thank you". people have their reasons. the proudly self-sufficient. the militant feminist. the cell phone conversaters. no one has to be nice. its one of the great things about this country. some folks just have it in their heart.

gratitude can make a difference to those people who choose to go above and beyond. a "thanks" from you does a lot to perpetuate the boy scout behavior. a snub could send your samaritan on a steep downward spiral to crack whoredom. that's a lot of weight for a conscience to bear.

so here's where i get confused. most roads are free to all. in fact, if all our roads and bridges were tossed in a giant sack, a very small percentage demand a toll for their use. maybe a fraction of a percent. in the occasion when one uses one of these roads or bridges, one most pass through a toll booth and fork out some cash for being allowed the privilege of passing through. most roads and bridges ask for neither our money or our time, but when any of us is required to pay up, we kindly thank mr. or mrs. toll booth collector. i've never known anyone not to say thanks.

their job is to sit on a stool and take money from motorists and dispense change. its a lousy job, but also an incredibly easy one. the occupation will likely be extinct before long. change catching baskets and EZ pass sensors are equally qualified and don't require a 401k plan. i never seen anyone make an extra effort to make my toll paying more enjoyable. i don't understand how this became worthy of automatic gratitude while so many others receive turned cheeks.

NEWS ON THE RUNT FRONT

several months ago, i wrote about the banana runt. the odd man out in an otherwise tasty assortment of fruity flavors. i wondered, and still do, as to how this gross flavor has managed to stand the test of time.

not long after, i saw new runts at an airport newstand. two new flavors and one flavor taken out of the rotation. lime was no more but now we are treated with blue raspberry and watermelon. and yet, banana still shows its ugly curved yellow mug.

...but wait. the winds of change blow strong at the willy wonka candy factory. last week, while perusing the aisles of wal-mart, a shelf of orange boxes catches my eye. a whole shelf of runts. as i picked up a box, i noticed that the raspberry and watermelon flavors are hanging tough, but as i set them back in their place, i noticed an unopened case further back. curiosity made me pull it out.

new flavors!

i knelt to the floor in silent exuberance. two new flavors, and so soon after the last flavors overhaul? it seems they're seeing things as i had and went with some more tropical tastes. somehow banana still drifts throughout, but now it shares company with pineapple and mango. unfortunately, its a little bittersweet. lime is still gone, but so, too, is cherry. one of my favorites. i find it hard to believe that more people like banana than cherry. as i looked a little odd sitting on the floor, rifling through a case of runts, i bought a box of each for further analysis.

the plot thickens. the mango/pineapple runts box was bilingual. unlike the other box, its had both English and Spanish text. were these intended for a latin destination, only to be hijacked at sea by wal-mart pirates to keep "selling for less"?

that's my theory.

WASTED ALLOWANCE

i was given a small allowance as a boy. my parents, i assume, did so to teach me the value of a dollar. i had forced myself to maintain my manners and help out around the household in order to get my grubby hands on some of those sweet greenbacks at the week's end. sure enough, come wednesday, i would come groveling back for more.

"Where'd your allowance go?" mom would ask.
usually, my answer was plucked from a hat holding only three choices.
candy.
video games.
comic books.

instead of holding onto my small wage for something more worthwhile, i wasted it on things i didn't need. bad habits seen through the eyes of a parent, but ones which could lead me to one day becoming our nation's president.

the legislative and executive branches of our government have been butting heads since the congressional elections last year. lately, the arm wrestling has centered around a military funding bill. the president refuses to pass it due to the troop withdrawal deadlines that have been added. there in lies the debate. not the actual dollar amount that the bill will allocate to fund the middle east war effort. everyone is in agreement there. an additional $126.2 billion. not if, but when this bill passes, we, the tax payers, will have spent a total of $456 billion dollars funding this war on terror.

$456,000,000,000.00

that's just for the war effort. today, while looking more into this disturbing bit of information, i came across an article on The Boston Globe's website that proposes some alternate options for spending that money, had we not gotten enveloped in this mess. i summarized it below, but feel free to check out the original here.

• 2,949 Newton North High Schools (the most expensive, state of the art high school in Massachusetts. it educates over 2,000 students and boasts a full dramatic theater, dance studio, pool, TV studio, extensive art department and photography darkrooms, and much more)

• free gas for everyone for 1.2 years

• for 1/6 of the 456 billion (or about 1/2 of the amount stated in the upcoming bill), the federal government could pick up the tab for converting every registered vehicle in the united stated to run on ethanol. a conversion with a measly $500 price tag.

• 14.5 million full 1-year scholarship to Harvard

• medicare benefits for 2008 (with a 2 billion left over for candy)

• according to the World Bank's estimates, $456 billion could keep the entire planet's impoverished both fed and educated without assistance for 5.5 years.

next years descretionary budget will, as of now, be doling out $717 billion to military and department of defense spending. that's approximately 66%. meanwhile, the federally funded NEA (National Endowment for the Arts), which provides financial support and grants toward artistic excellence and education, will be receiving a mere $121 million annually - 1%. almost seven times that will be spent on bullets.