CHOOSING A LAUNDRY DETERGENT

face it.

when it comes to comparing laundry detergents, no particular brand is really any better than the other. they're all just soap. some have fancy pants scents and flashy colors, but the contents all produce the same results.

so how is one to choose?

i suggest approaching it like so. as you peruse the cleaning supplies aisle at the supermarket, judge your current emotional state. based on that, choose accordingly. chances are good that you'll find a perfect match for your state of mind. for your particular lifestyle. for your message to the laundering world. let your detergent be a reflection of you, like a mood ring. here's some suggestions.

GAIN
the motivational soap.
let the world know that you're on your way to the top. nothing will stand in the way of your achievement. tell them with a lilac scent if you must. the box even offers some great tips on writing a resume. its especially good at cleaning ring around the collar and sweaty socks for all of you out there on the move.

TIDE
the transitional soap.
its like Gain but without the positive spin. maybe its for the good, maybe its for the bad. Tide says you just don't know. its change beyond your control. if you've recently broken up with your significant other, if you've noticed a new mole on your arm, or if you've decided you want to try authentic asian cuisine, look no further. its particularly formulated for washing new clothes, hand me downs, and thrift store acquisitions. sometimes, for no reason at all, it will shrink all your clothes two sizes or disintegrate one sock out of every pair. roll with it. that just means its working!

CHEER
the happiness soap.
the beauty of cheer is that it spans the whole spectrum. beaming with joy? snag some regular Cheer with a springtime fragrance and skip as you relocate your threads from the washer to the dryer. wallowing in an abysmal depression? Cheer Free is for you. no cheer here. in fact, the bottle is mostly empty since you'll be too bummed out to wash up. the former makes your yellows yellower, the latter makes all your clothes blue.

ALL
the insatiable soap.
over indulgent? living a life of excess? is nothing ever quite good enough? you need All. its incredibly concentrated so you can wash every single piece of fabric in your possession at one time. and if its power you crave, you need All Mighty - with robe whitening power!

ARM & HAMMER
the tough guy soap.
it flaunts a ripple bicep, a rolled up t-shirt sleeve and a sledge hammer right on the label. it exudes machismo and brute strength. the jug itself is lined with steel if you happen to get into a gang fight in the laundromat. the detergent is also specially formulated for the efficient removal of blood stains.

FAB
the too cool for school soap.
Fab is perfect for all the retro hipster living in the past. it even contains 10 of the 12 ingredients found in the soft drink, Tab. bring some carbonated water and sugar along and you can entertain in between the spin cycles. it also rapidly speeds up the fraying and fading process on all your tight, ripped jeans and ironic t-shirts.

SNUGGLE
the love soap.
you're just a soft teddy bear on the inside. no sense in hiding it. maybe that cute gal spending too much time folding her underwear will take notice. show your true colors to the world... and keep your true colors as well. works great on sheets!