Thursday, October 11, 2007


i'm a dairy fan. actually, i was a dairy fan, once upon a time. i loved milk. with loads of vitamins for strong bones and healthy skin and a scrumptious refreshment beyond comparison, can you really blame me?

approximately 6 or 7 years ago, after countless mysterious belly aches, i discovered i'd become lactose intolerant. hypolactasia for all the smart pants. i think i over dosed on the stuff. i had broken my leg near the ankle during my senior year of high school just before a two week trip to Spain. far be it from me and my hobbled state to hold up any walking tours of foreign lands. after only a few days, i left my crutches behind and walked on my cast. i returned to a very displeased doctor who informed me that my bones weren't healing. i got the same news a month later. then a month later. nervous that my bones were lacking in some vital minerals, i turned to the bottle. the jug actually. i binge drank milk. gallons. the bone began to mend slowly and after 6 months, i was in two shoes again. not days after the liberation, i broke it again in a roller blading mishap. with nowhere else to turn, i found the jug. it was calling me. comforting my pain with its creamy goodness.

of course this is all speculation, but i believe that my body's production of the lactase enzyme, the enzyme which breaks down lactose sugar found in milk, had shut down from the stress of my demands.

i have since been forced to change my diet. no more ice cream or milkshakes. no skim, 2% or whole. if i want milk, i pay the price, if not physically, monetarily. special Lactaid milk (with the lactase enzyme added) is nearly twice the price. cheese is out too, unless its aged. i have to take special pills along whenever i go out to eat.

i've spent close to a decade cowering to my own intestines. no longer will i sit idly by while my guts hold the rest of me hostage. i'm drawing a line in the sand. i'm fighting back.

they say that humans are the only animals that continue to consume milk beyond infancy. they say that it's against evolution. against evolution? i say its the next step in evolution. by becoming my own guinea pig, i may just open the door to the next era of mankind. i'm approaching it like an addiction in reverse. i've begun slowly weaning milk back into my life. for the past couple months, i've been using half & half in my coffee. then this week, i bought regular milk. i'm drinking a cup of the blue cap each night.

my digestive system controls my intestinal tract, but i control my digestive system. i'm the boss. do you hear that, small intestines? who's yo daddy? i've got the brain and the muscles. what have you got? step out of line? fail to comply? i'll punch you. i'll eat indian food every night. i'll get that bypass surgery if i have to. i don't care. i'll do it. you WILL shape up or i WILL ship you out. digest milk or you're haggis.

that's not a threat, intestines. its a promise.



Monica said...

Please write a book!
That's the only way you're going to get on Oprah.

Anonymous said...

Let the farting begin.