APOCALYPTIC FORECAST

i think that if i were deaf, i'd be terrified of the weather segment on the nightly news. if i weren't familiar with fronts and doppler radar and cloud cover, i could see myself trembling in a bomb shelter somewhere, cowering behind a wall of canned albacore and potable water.

currently, there are red hot arrows careening at high speeds across the country and they're headed straight for us. i mean they're whizzing. at least several hundred miles per hour based on the clock in the corner showing their progress since dinner time... and they're huge. the size of Delaware, and judging from the shadows, they're not far from the ground. as they pass over the land moving east, the earth is left reddened. i can only assume that the majority of middle America in bathed in fire. or maybe republicanized. "yikes", either way.

i'm thinking, "maybe, with the grace of god, they'll pass over my house without incident and crash into the sea," but that hope wavers once i see the 'calm' blue arrows coming off the Atlantic. they're instantaneously freezing everything in their wake . based on the distances and rates of travel, forecast calls for high speed, mid-air collisions in the vicinity of my neck of the woods sometime around midnight. the age old fire versus ice, winner-take-all battle royale is going down, and i'm in the cross fire. if the red arrows with their scorched earth policy don't get me, and i avoid the frigid instant blizzard that the blue arrows are laying down, i've still got to contend with the imperial tie fighters that are hot on their trail.

in the event that i live to see morning, i've only got hours before small suns drop from the sky. a half a dozen or so within the tri-state area. based on satellite footage, it appears the nearest make impact about 30 miles north and 20 miles south west of here. a little too close for my comfort as i sunburn easily.

next, i'm guessing, there's bound to be some fallout. represented on screen with concentric shapes of color. red in the center (total annihilation) and gradating out two a greenish white (fungal outbreak?). i suppose its either the radius of the explosive damage or the span of radiation. neither sounds groovy. postpone the parades, folks. those of us not incinerated instantly aren't out of the storm yet. still, i'd have thought that a handful of giant balls of nuclear energy colliding in every direction would be a smidge more cataclysmic. it appears that most of jersey can rest easy. i'm unsure about whether i feel relieved by this.

i guess, due to the incredible heat, all our water sources will be vaporized, created very localized lightning storms on thursday. apparently, a single cloud is going to hang over my neighborhood for hours, throwing bolt after bolt onto the streets. one every second by the looks of it. as i don't expect many trees or building to be left standing, i'm going to be a walking lightning rod. i wish i had more rubber based clothing

sometime early friday, based on channel 10's time traveling meteorology equipment, southeast Pennsylvania finally takes an offensive. somehow, and without me having heard anything about it before now, they've constructed a giant white rod, almost 400 miles long, which spins on a pivot somewhere nearby. i've no idea what's its intended purpose is. i speculate that the whole Philadelphia area breaks free from the planet's crust and flies away to safety, helicopter-style. sadly, it appears to be a feeble and failing attempt.

the inevitable darkness from the ensuing dust cloud leads to a total white out. before the weekend hits, we'll be well into the next ice age, with gargantuan numbers growing out of the ground. its a hard pill to swallow, finally seeing how nigh the end really is.

damn you, Glen "Hurricane" Schwartz!