FINE TUNING MY DOUBLE HELIX

hip, hip hooray for modern science!

the brainiacs have mapped out the human genome. we now have a fully detailed blueprint of the double helix that is homo-sapien. they are currently utilizing this information to get to the root of diseases, to get to the base of what make us what we are, and that's swell. really, kudos to them. still, i'd like to think that somewhere there is an outcast group of genetic engineers working on splicing genes from animals into humans. its 'how to make superheros 101', people. spider man, for instance, was nothing more than a spider-human cross breed. aqua man swam with the fishes, chatted with them even. hawk man...you get the point. so this post is for them.

i've got some ideas i'd like to share.

1. Wings - eagle wings, bat wings, dragon fly wings. whatever. i'm not picky. if it results in me being able to stay in midair for as long as i want, i'm cool with it.

2. Gills - i'll admit, they may be a bit unsightly, but it's a sacrifice i'd be willing to make. the oceans cover most of our planet and we still don't know a whole lot about them. biologists discover new animals in the sea all the time. plus, we haven't had a worthy and notable explorer since Magellan. it wouldn't be so much for me, more for the sake of humanity.

3. Chameleon Skin - i'm sick and tired of running from predators.

4. Super Vision - hawks and eagles would make for terrific donors. i have a friend who i'm nearly certain will soon discover she can see microwaves. i, too, would like this ability. hummingbirds can see a broader range of the visible spectrum, including ultraviolet. i'm not sure how i could take advantage of it yet. let me worry about that afterward.

5. Shark Teeth - again, maybe not that attractive a feature, but it would be nice to never need a steak knife again, or really any cutting tools at all. dentist visits would be a thing of the past. cavity? chipped tooth? yank that sucker out! there's 20 more behind waiting to bite stuff.

6. Ultrasound Skills - bats, dolphins and whales use it like radar to map their surroundings in a radius of up to hundreds of miles. you could "see" around solid objects. vision is far too limited these days. i feel i need something more, like sonar.

7. Cheetah Legs - i could sell my car and save tons of loot on gas if i could just run 70 m.p.h. in addition, we wouldn't have to endure any more geico advertisements.

8. Ant Strength - they can lift ten times their own body weight. that means a 200 lb. man could lift a ton with ease. we could hammer nails with our fists. no jar would ever be tough to open. sports would be far more interesting. i could throw out all my nut crackers, or i would if i had any.

9. Octopus Flexibility - i've seen an octopus the size of a watermelon get through a hole the size of a baseball. with this sort of contortion, people would be fighting for the middle spot in the backseat, making shotgun all the more easier for me to secure.

10. Monkey Tail - i think its slender enough to tuck away for a day at the office, and then break out at night for some tree swinging fun. i'd use mine all the time. it'd be like having a third arm. also, this would crank up my balance points big time.

GET ON IT, SCIENTISTS!
i'm available sundays for medical testing.